On Benefitting from Doubt

Remember that time I said I wanted to be taken advantage of? Scratch that. I definitely do not want that to happen.

I do still want to be kind and am trying to practice this skill daily. (Things tend to get easier the more you do them, good or bad...take that for what it's worth I suppose.)  I also realize that life for me is filled with far fewer wild adventures and many more quiet ones: interacting with humans, being outside, exploring.

Maybe re-learning how to be me is enough this year.  Maybe next year I get to re-learn how to be with others. Or maybe not.  Maybe I don't have holiday plans for the first time in my life and this is both terrifying and mildly okay.  Maybe being okay with the 'unknown' is an awkwardly small step in the direction of a much larger desire to be gracious in the art of letting go.

Whatever that means.

streams.

It has been too long since I've had a chance to be reflective enough to write something of relevance here. It has been a long, loud, weekend. I feel older and am older, and lots of other things too. I am wondering about the validity of moving away from alot of things, people, places, etc. that I know and love to pursue one human. Is it worth it? (I like to think yes) The more people I talk to, the more people I tell that I'm moving, the more realistic my plan becomes. I don't want to be "that" girl that chases "that" boy. But I guess for lack of a better description, that's exactly who I am. It worries me somewhat, but not enough to do anything about it.
I like to think that a ring on my finger, and our own apartment with two bicycles in the hallway will finally be some sort of indicator that I have arrived. That the life I am living is worth it and valid and permanent. Some days the idea of carrying another life around inside me makes me sick to my stomach. But I wouldn't be here if someone didn't do the same for me. I really really really really like adoption. It might be hard to find someone who is on the same page as I am with that. But I hope I have/do/will find a partner in that, regardless. My mom asked me today if I knew what my dream job was. I had to say no. Maybe by now I should have said yes to that. How long does it take until I know? I wish I knew, I guess. For now there are too many things that I don't know. But I have learned to be content in them. I have learned that I am not the job I have, or the clubs I'm in, or the meals I prepare, or the stories I write. I am all of these things and none of these things, and it has taken a long time for me to honor this. I am light and truth and innocence and tenderheartedness and grace.

whinings.

There is a lot to be thankful for, that is for sure. But, for the most part, it is easier for me to gripe about my day, rather than to keep track of all the tiny graces.
I have this car that I bought from a gentleman on Craigslist a few years ago. I didn't consult with my parents before making the purchase, and feel that I have been cursed ever since for this error. To make a long story short, lots of money has been invested into Craigslist car to bring her back up to speed. Recently, she had her oil changed along with a nice bath, and just the other week the nice guys at vw replaced her rock guard because the old one was dragging on the asphalt.
So this morning, at approximately 6:57 am, the check engine light illuminates. The reasons for this horrifying occurrence range from an unscrewed gas cap to a faulty catalytic converter and about 5,000 other things. My brain starts to ache at the thought of my dishonesty, automobiles, and mysterious pasts.

7:14 am: I decide to avoid the situation altogether and pedal off to work.

I forfeit

my rights to satisfy your expectations of any sort of inspirational "resolution" list.

1. Learn to drive stick shift.

on happy meal toys.

so, there`s some thing sweet about a boy who will pretend to be your dad and ask the drive-thru which beanie babies are available.
&there`s some thing even sweeter about a back seat rider leaning her head out the window and laughing till it hurts.
but the sweetest thing of all is the one behind you; the one who rolls the eyes & says, "just be sure to pay me back."
well i know that with one hand wrapped around a dripping 89-cent-cone and the other clutching my immature pride,
i could never really pay you back.

on crowding.

i could really go for some mint swirl right about now.

away we go

the side walks were all ready too full of plastic chairs, blankets, &masking tape for any sun god to appreciate, but we tread down them any way
to a small restaurant where i have my own favorite spot.

b: "she likes to sit in that little nook." [it`s true]

a: "i really like thai tea."
b: "i really like sushi." [gestures to his alaskan roll]
a: "me too!" [dips my avocado roll in to some soy sauce]
b: "but that`s not sushi."
a: "i know."

on mattering

YAY RANDI!
YOU DID IT!

passed 6th grade
(on to 7th grade.)

oh, the importance of graduations.

magic vs. lake(r)s

reasons why orlando beats los angeles,
a list by arianna nelson.

1. magic beats every thing. even the natural world.
2. the lakers have already won 14 playoffs [los angeles/minneapolis]
3. shaquille o'neal [kazaam, anyone?]
4. kobe bryant, pau gasol, & sun yue [where has he even been?!]
5. jackson's got enough wins under his belt, let`s give van gundy a chance [wouldn`t hurt to have more than an eastern conference to show the kids]
6. if nothing else, let`s do it for jameer

the trouble with apologising

is this:
he was walking along-
side the road, kicking up
pebbles
with every step,
holding a bouquet
of home-
grown
redred roses
downward
to bring back
to his wife,
whom he has known for at least
30
years,
who wears a gold band on her left hand,
even when she scrubs soapy spoons.
Who, truthfully, have been very good to each other.
But,
honestly,
they`re getting a little tired of being so good.

b.a.-j.f.

I never really talk about you as often as you come up.
No body really asks, I suppose.
But I never inquire, either,
&so memories grow faint, but are re-drawn over &over
until your face turns in to a scribble of words, Irish Spring soap, and amateur radio.
&I am trying hard to keep at least one picture of you in my heart`s dog-eared album.
What with your English Leathered neck and hands, trips for quartered frozen treats, microwaveable pretzels, &spritzer cookies slightly burned.
Maybe I`ll cry when I ease myself in to the well-worn crackled seats of a classy 911,
or tear up if an overweight terrier greets me in the morning.
Perhaps I`ll fall in love with my children`s children,
the way you did with us.

Deep down in my heart I know that I am a coward,
&yet some how I know that when I am lingering at the edge of my driveway, for the very last time,
I know, I know, I know.
I just know that you`ll be the one there, waiting to pick me up.

90068

&maybe he knows some things we don`t.
like the best ways to celebrate father`s day:
all curled up on poppa daddy`s lap,
with the tiniest fingers wrapper around mama`s grace-filled hands.

1837:

do not think i have written you off, all ready.
or reduced you to mainstream sports and greasy foods.
don`t you remember when we rode our bicycles for fun?
or broke in our summer skin by the swimming pool?
remember how when i woke up in the morning, there was a third easter basket on the hearth?
&the times we petted those furry babies, just because we could?
certainly, you could not have all ready forgotten!
there is more to you than i think.
there is more to you than even you think.
but do not fret,
He &i...well...you see,
me &Him...we`re not quite finished with you yet.

IX.

when i saw you for the better part of the day, the sun was all ready beginning to rest.
but you had so many things to do while she was awake,
i didn`t mind. &i still don`t!
you are afraid i will get lost in your lack of difference,
of beach town alfredos,
&home town desserts,
of breaking mountain passes,
&seeing a life more hope-filled than you or I?
oh, but i have grown to love those vagabondish wanderings
in the constancy of your heart,
&good intentions foiled,
swiss army knives forgotten,
&baby bobcats bounding across our paths!

car drives

driving in the wee hours of the morn, everything is so quiet and peaceful; the air is warm and it just feels right and you know you're coming home.
there was a hole in the sky
and through it i caught a glimpse of heaven.