On Being Mean

I had a bad day yesterday.  Nothing was wrong, except I hated everything and took it out on someone I care very much about and traffic and to be honest, was legitimately lucky that I didn't get into a car accident. (Trust me, there was plenty of time for it to happen...)

I know that everyone has bad days now and then, for good reason or for none at all, but I am still sorry I haven't figured out how to manage all those things that inevitably start to snowball and end up exploding in an awkwardly guttural yell that leaves the back of my throat itchy and raw for days.

And I am still learning that people are good and true and reliable and all of the things that you don't realize you need until they're sitting in front of you being needed.

It's still hard for me to believe I'm deserving of all the "second chances" that inevitably make an appearance in this life, but maybe now I can slowly realize that I am.

All the Feels

I am here to say that I have been pleasantly surprised by the quiet unfolding of events over the past few weeks.  I feel lucky/blessed/etc/etc to be in this place, but the truth is I have put in a lot of work and made several fucking hard decisions to get here.  And, yes, I was not expecting this "so soon," but I can't deny that something is happening.

For now that is enough to keep me hopeful, to continue getting to know this peculiar person and to be okay with all the not knowings of something new and real and fragile.

It's not the worst place to be, I suppose.

On Want

I wanted to write about the nature of wanting and then I talked with a good friend last night about all different sorts of wants and decided I want to tell you about how most days I think I could be very happy on a ranch, running around with horses and dogs and maybe some cows or something.

I do not know why I think this.

Except for yes, mostly I do.  I like to think that I would be "good" at living the simple life.  Simple for me = less noise + more quiet + less electronic shit + more outdoors goodness.  I like to think that a big move, a change of scenery, a different pace equals simple.  I suppose it's not that easy, though, right?

When I reflect on my current state of affairs, sometimes this doesn't seem too far away.  A sense of an ending in this weird but achingly lovely city doesn't necessary seem imminent, but at the same time I can't rule it out entirely just yet.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that (you guessed it): I don't know.  Maybe the more I admit this the less terrifying it will become. Eh, probably not.

On at Least Trying to Be

In the words of Hush Puppy: "I wanna be cohesive."

My painful realization of the day yesterday was this: I am obsessed with pursuing/being in a romantic relationship.

So...shit.  This self-awareness endeavor is no joke. 

Now what?

On Benefitting from Doubt

Remember that time I said I wanted to be taken advantage of? Scratch that. I definitely do not want that to happen.

I do still want to be kind and am trying to practice this skill daily. (Things tend to get easier the more you do them, good or bad...take that for what it's worth I suppose.)  I also realize that life for me is filled with far fewer wild adventures and many more quiet ones: interacting with humans, being outside, exploring.

Maybe re-learning how to be me is enough this year.  Maybe next year I get to re-learn how to be with others. Or maybe not.  Maybe I don't have holiday plans for the first time in my life and this is both terrifying and mildly okay.  Maybe being okay with the 'unknown' is an awkwardly small step in the direction of a much larger desire to be gracious in the art of letting go.

Whatever that means.

On Night Hikes and Why Being Alone in the Dark with Your Dog Isn't Always a Bad Idea

Because someone new
Because I am afraid
Because I am not in control
Because I am tired
Because the dark
Because I am nervous for the unknown
Because sometimes the things I desire are very far away
Because I am still hopeful
Because I am not easily charmed
Because I fall too quickly
Because she is one of my best friends
Because I still want to adopt
Because "I see that I'm a little piece in a big, big universe. And that makes things right."

Also, cohesion.

Things I Wish Would Happen But Will Most Likely Not Be Today, Etc.

Though I hate to acknowledge/these things take time/They cannot be rushed/or fast-forwarded/or ambushed into action/(which is what I'd prefer they do)/Perhaps for now we can sit/Walk the lake/Hope for good things for people who are not ourselves/And maybe "3rd times the charm,"/or 4th/or 5th/or maybe no charms/Just a peace and hope for what is to come/But still trying to be okay with the quiet,/the sadness,/the humility of solitude.

Childhood is a strange country. It's a place where you come from or go to - at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It's like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you're dizzy. -Lyall Bush

duck duck goose

So I know I don't really bring up personal things here, for fear that you may get the wrong idea. Things are good. Usually, things are always good. And if they're not good right now, they will be soon enough. That being said, if I am being totally honest with myself (and apparently right now I am), I must confess to you, dear readers, how difficult this 1st year of marriage has been for me. Upon review, 368 days later, for no apparent legitimate reason, I find myself questioning any newlywed couple that told me this decision would be "so easy." What did/do they know that I didn't/don't? Maybe I wasn't really "ready," maybe I had the wrong expectations, maybe I'm just not "marriage material." Maybe all of the above? The logistics of a wedding were overwhelming, but the reality of marriage was something I thought would come naturally to me, the oldest daughter of two still-married (happily?) Christian parents from a small, sleepy town on the Gulf coast. This is what G.R.I.T.S. are supposed to do, right? Not so easy, and in case you were wondering, it hasn't come as naturally as I assumed it would that balmy afternoon my sweet beau pulled out a box and asked me if I wanted to keep up this good thing we had going between us indefinitely. What I didn't realize, nor could I have anticipated the post-proposal pre-wedding haze, was the seriousness of my simple response. Yes to you and me. Yes to only us. Yes to disease. Yes to poverty. Yes to shortcomings. Yes to our humanness. There are days when I don't want to say yes to only us or sickness or budgets or imperfections. I replay August and the beach and the dogs in the sand...what if my yes had been a no, thank you? I would only be saying Yes to something else. To my dear friends and family who are married or planning to get married or unmarried, I salute you, applaud your courage and admire your pluck for the conscious/unconscious choice to enter into the daily Yes with another willing party who may or may not be just as terrified as I was.

Middlemarch

He had never liked the makeshifts of poverty, and they had never before entered into his prospects for himself; but he was beginning now to imagine how two creatures who loved each other, and had a stock of thoughts in common, might laugh over their shabby furniture, and their calculations how far they could afford butter and eggs. -George Eliot

cynic.

I guess mostly I am tired of trying to be relevant and cool and unusual in a world where I don't necessarily agree with every thing that happens most of the time. I don't want to have a kick-ass wedding where all the guests take home incredible souvenirs and we go on this amazing vacation and move to a beautiful city and I walk my dog down (mostly) safe streets to meet my new friends at some hidden, delicious coffee shop that turns into a bar after 8pm.
I want to live near my nieces or my mom and dad or my cool soon to be in-laws. I don't want Brian and I to have the same smile. Or clothes. I want to feel like I'm the most fashionable one in our trio. I can try.
I don't want to go to the opera or a movie or a play or a concert and pretend that I enjoyed it if I didn't. I don't really want to sit around and talk about your compost pile or sustainably sourced flooring or how your neighbor moved his entire apartment with only "bike power" either.

I still really like Starbucks chai tea lattes. I'm trying to not be embarrassed about this.

I am a normal, simple, ice water and beach-mornings kind of person. I have no intention of occupying wall street or anything else for that matter. I can't guarantee we'll have much to talk about or that you'll even find me a walk's-worh of interesting. But let's meet up and take one anyway. Unless you'd rather jog? Which, in that case, never mind.

This year

I want to be a good steward.

on investing your love.

A friend of mine recently lamented? exclaimed? that I had "everything" I wanted. And even though I couldn't tell if it was unmet longing or cryptic relief on their part, I couldn't help but think that everything I have now could very well be all I ever need. Forever? Perhaps. It seems idealistic of me to confess that at 24 years old, I can't possibly imagine anything else that I need to be content. It is only a feeling you know if you have it, but also a feeling you know if you don't.
At church today, we prayed a lot of peace prayers, lighting little tealights around the unity candle, and I couldn't deny the overwhelming sense of peace that passes my ideas of self and others and the world. I also couldn't deny the realization that I have stopped comparing myself to others, or, at least, have not dwelt on it as strongly as before.
I think it's a freedom that's just as real as what most Americans are honoring today.

happy easter

I woke up too early for a good enough reason, with good enough people, and found myself sitting on a picnic table at the beach. I have heard the minister's words so many times, that mostly I forget how good they are. Better than good and better than enough, but I guess not good enough to remember.
For the most part, I find myself wandering and full of questions. And not necessarily in a bad way, just in a "well, what about this?" sort of way. So, there's that.
But it was so nice to sit outside with friends, and eat food that I helped prepare, and, for a few hours, not have any questions to think about.
Indeed, He has risen.

home is wherever with you.

I do not know why so many things seem to come together at once.
Like five birthdays in the same week,
Or three phone calls in a row,
when the line had been dead for an hour.
I do not know why "when it rains it pours."
Like why couldn't it just drizzle,
or mist even?
I do not know why things fall apart
and humans break so easily,
Like tinkling glass on tiles.
I do not know why I like bird whistles,
but tell you to shut up in the shower.
Like your voice is worthless without wings.
I do not know why your path and my path
are traveling in the same direction,
as constant and inherent as
the salmon swims upstream.

Wild Geese.

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."
-M.O.

things.

Recently a lady told me that she was convinced her dog was deficient in Vitamin D. Upon inquiry as to why she thought this, Mrs. X replied, "because our house is in a very shady area and barely gets any sun." Okay, I guess that makes sense. So we talked a little about some vitamins or supplements she could give her sun-deprived canine to make sure he was getting enough. A little further into the conversation, Mrs. X lowered her voice and said, "between you and me, the real reason I think X is not getting enough Vitamin D is because I recently went to my doctor and found out that I don't have enough Vitamin D!" Okay. "...I know it's kind of crazy to think that, but I just feel like me and X are so connected that when I'm lacking something he is too!" I promised her I would get the vitamins ready and hoped to see her soon.

But sometimes I do wonder if humans are lacking in something if another human is lacking in it too? Or if you get sick, then all of a sudden you start feeling better, only to find your housemate in bed with the sniffles. I don't know. I'm just saying that it's something to consider. And if something like that did happen, maybe we ought to give credit where it's due.

like a river

Some times I get worried that my life isn't turning out quite how it should be. Some days I wake up and wish I was going to ride my bicycle to the letterpress factory or retirement center instead of the animal hospital. I wish I could go on walks with my dog and play fetch at the park. I even wish most of my ships were further along than they seem to be.
For me, it is hard mostly to be content in today. I know it is an important skill to have, seeing as life is just a bunch of todays strung together, so I am working harder at that. I think contentedness and inner peace, in general, are lacking in a society that slyly questions satisfaction and pushes its students towards insatiable desires.
I took a trip to San Francisco a few weekends ago, which is where I took this picture. There's nothing incredibly symbolic about it; it's just open books that look like they're falling from the sky, and the sun happened to be shining at that point in the day. I am warming up to that city, but I wonder if I woke up in an apartment in North Beach if I'd be any more peaceful than waking up where I am today. I'm pretty sure there are things that need to change inside of my own heart before I could truly live a life that is turning out quite how I think it should be. "Whatever my lot," I suppose.

trusting the process

Maybe I've stopped by the Read 'N Post too many times this past week, but I've found myself quoting those little square cards alot lately. There's this one that has the line "slow down, don't worry, trust the process," on it. I've told a couple people to "trust the process" even though I don't have any idea what it means. A few people I know are starting new jobs in the near future, so I think this is an applicable phrase for them. And just recently my Mom sent me a card that closed with, "don't try so hard, let things come to you," which, in essence, is trusting the process.
I don't quite know how I feel about the process, in general. It reminds me of meat. Processed meat. I don't trust that process in the least.
But when I think that I don't have any plans past the edge-of-my-nose-spring, trusting the process seems like a better choice than calling it a liar. Even if I still don't know how to not try so hard, because something taught me to fight tooth and nail for what I wanted. Even though a good Shepherd asked me to come to Him, and I didn't even have to try at all.
There is some thing so intriguing though about worry and doubt and comparison. They are hard habits to shake. One of my friends told me that it's hard to beat someone if you're not playing the same game. It's harder to compare your Full House to someone's Scrabble bingo and so on. I'm not sure which game I'm playing, but it would be simpler not to play at all.
It can be disheartening to know that I still struggle with the same shortcomings as I did when I was younger. I am trying not to make things happen as much as before. I'm trying to let little pieces of life fall into place, like water freezing in the ice cube trays. I'm trying to listen harder to His voice, above the other bleatings, because I know when the rest of the flock wanders off, He carries me back to the fold.

you there!