On Being Mean

I had a bad day yesterday.  Nothing was wrong, except I hated everything and took it out on someone I care very much about and traffic and to be honest, was legitimately lucky that I didn't get into a car accident. (Trust me, there was plenty of time for it to happen...)

I know that everyone has bad days now and then, for good reason or for none at all, but I am still sorry I haven't figured out how to manage all those things that inevitably start to snowball and end up exploding in an awkwardly guttural yell that leaves the back of my throat itchy and raw for days.

And I am still learning that people are good and true and reliable and all of the things that you don't realize you need until they're sitting in front of you being needed.

It's still hard for me to believe I'm deserving of all the "second chances" that inevitably make an appearance in this life, but maybe now I can slowly realize that I am.

On at Least Trying to Be

In the words of Hush Puppy: "I wanna be cohesive."

My painful realization of the day yesterday was this: I am obsessed with pursuing/being in a romantic relationship.

So...shit.  This self-awareness endeavor is no joke. 

Now what?

On Night Hikes and Why Being Alone in the Dark with Your Dog Isn't Always a Bad Idea

Because someone new
Because I am afraid
Because I am not in control
Because I am tired
Because the dark
Because I am nervous for the unknown
Because sometimes the things I desire are very far away
Because I am still hopeful
Because I am not easily charmed
Because I fall too quickly
Because she is one of my best friends
Because I still want to adopt
Because "I see that I'm a little piece in a big, big universe. And that makes things right."

Also, cohesion.

Childhood is a strange country. It's a place where you come from or go to - at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It's like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you're dizzy. -Lyall Bush

tired eyes.

I am somewhat amused by how quickly God answers some prayers; and yet for others still asks us to wait.

And in other news, WHOOPEE!!!

high-tails

I am wondering if a simple change of scenery is better than a simple listen to my heart.
(Thanks, X.)

on frustrations

since when did 68.4 kilometers become so far?

on sympathy.

she was still small enough to stand on tip-toes to reach the marbled table top,
to dine on macaroni elbows
to rear end some one at a stop light and
to push carts around at the local Kelley's I.G.A.

to runrunrun,
to buy a gun
&float off on some pistol dreams,
a long time.

forgive them.

on not being very good at waiting

i am a sucker when it comes to the waiting game. lately though, it seems to be occurring more often than i care to admit. see, i'm not very good at being patient; with my family, that boy, or my friends. it makes sense then that this "virtue" is what i`d be plagued in to dealing with. & yet i`m still stuck here, ignoring the background noise of the jonas brothers live in central park.
i`m trying to be positive, but it`s been over a week, it`s friday, &i`m still here.

regardless, i overhear a middle-aged man confess: "we just got married not too long ago, and she doesn`t really like flying alone."

tender, truth, &twenty years over due.

"i'm gonna float up in the ceiling;
i built a levee of the stars,
and in my field of tired horses
i built a freeway through this farce.

well, if i ever get that slumber
i`ll be that mole deep in the ground,
&i won`t be found."
-k.m.

heavy boots.

they said he was in the air.
mom said she held his hands.
dad said he`s ready to go.
it takes about 3 days total, i think.

i say he knows more than we ever will.

l.f.

I`d like to show you some great-grand-kids, eventually.
But, oh! There`s just not enough time for that.

lest we forget...

Dear G,
Welcome home! We`re so glad you made it. Now, please get some rest.
Breakfast will be waiting in the morning.
Sincerely,
A

Famous

I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,
or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,
but because it never forgot what it could do.
-Naomi Shihab Nye (B. 1952)

on derailment &other inconveniences

i don`t know why there were no names carved at the base of that trunk.
i circled it once, twice, three times: just to be sure.
i might as well have been a spotted barn owl, or rubbery fruit bat-
gliding back &forth, calling out to no thing in the night.
instead i landed in that tree`s tops, &climbed down to the ground.
[i have no wings, you know.]
&with heavy heart and defeated shoulders, trudged onward.

but my only question is this: isn`t there some one, some where, just trembling to sing?!

the long trail.

i'm having difficulty writing any thing of value as of late.
i suppose it is a good thing, though.
it gives me hours, days, &weeks to think, i suppose.
i do not feel very fruit-full, nor do i behave wisely.

someone just give me a pumpkin to carve all ready.

on shutting doors &locking them.

i would like to tell you that all is well on the Western front:
what?! with all these warrings &massacres,
you`d think we`d be fine by now.

but i must admit it is harder than before to prematurely return joyously from my gulf-front home.
when i am not quite ready to please all those hungry troops.
when i am not quite ready to give in to the demands of my well-respected army.

&perhaps i will look back and remember that it wasn`t raining that day,
or that it was quiet last night,
or that my bed was very soft.

but perhaps not.
&i think mostly what i am learning is this:
i do not much care for the business-side of growing up.

for those who love with too much grace:

I`m jealous of you, you know.
Of your ability to be so innocently honest
to explain to me in paradoxial terms
how difficult it is to be here today.
&oh, how I feel.
Believe me, I know it well.
If the rest of my life was to be spent in this way,
well,
then so be it.
But if I could free--If I could cultivate just one drop, watching it sprout &bloom--I fear I would become the richest child in that paltry kingdom!

Oh! to want one thing!
[Purity of heart]

poetic waxings

Thing I Liked About Today.
1. Children's laughter
2. Breakfast waffles
3. Good company
4. Warm massage tables
5. Musical worship
6. Old friends
7. New friends
8. Good books
9. Writing &penmanship
10. Leggings
11. Yawns

it takes a steady hand to navigate the covetous waters.

I have hardly learned to tie my own shoes, &you are already slipping into your loafers, sliding your briefcase under your arm, &out the door you go. I know that you cannot wait for me. I know you weren`t really around all that much then. So, it is sort of the same now, even. Why couldn`t you have told me about these things? Why did I leave the sole place I considered home?
It was good to see you today, even though I donot quite know what to say any longer.
Agh! I am certainly sorry for that!
I am sorry for being distracted!
I am sorry for being awkward!
I am sorry for being crude&inappropriate&nonchalant!
I would like to drink some cups of forgiveness, please.