If Nothing Ever Changes

I have had the pleasure of raising a critter, of petting her soft belly and praising her for peeing in appropriate places.  I have loved long and hard and given up on things I shouldn't have and fallen again.  I've done my best making a home in a place where I was told would 'never really feel like home.'  I have ridden bikes and laid on the grass and the sand and been burned in the sun and came back to do it all over again.  I have lied and behaved cowardly and confessed and smiled and fallen again.
For all these things, and if nothing changes, I have lived.

On Being Mean

I had a bad day yesterday.  Nothing was wrong, except I hated everything and took it out on someone I care very much about and traffic and to be honest, was legitimately lucky that I didn't get into a car accident. (Trust me, there was plenty of time for it to happen...)

I know that everyone has bad days now and then, for good reason or for none at all, but I am still sorry I haven't figured out how to manage all those things that inevitably start to snowball and end up exploding in an awkwardly guttural yell that leaves the back of my throat itchy and raw for days.

And I am still learning that people are good and true and reliable and all of the things that you don't realize you need until they're sitting in front of you being needed.

It's still hard for me to believe I'm deserving of all the "second chances" that inevitably make an appearance in this life, but maybe now I can slowly realize that I am.

All the Feels

I am here to say that I have been pleasantly surprised by the quiet unfolding of events over the past few weeks.  I feel lucky/blessed/etc/etc to be in this place, but the truth is I have put in a lot of work and made several fucking hard decisions to get here.  And, yes, I was not expecting this "so soon," but I can't deny that something is happening.

For now that is enough to keep me hopeful, to continue getting to know this peculiar person and to be okay with all the not knowings of something new and real and fragile.

It's not the worst place to be, I suppose.

When the Rain Comes

The building I live in is old.  Also, there is a storm happening. (Right now!)  And I found myself tossing & turning in bed as the curtains flapped wildly against the screen, convincing myself I couldn't close the windows because I have never closed them since moving in and why would this morning be any different?

I will refrain from turning this into some sort of philosophical metaphor for old things and leaving things open or forcing them to close and just say this: I was able to shut the windows.

Everything was still okay.

On Night Hikes and Why Being Alone in the Dark with Your Dog Isn't Always a Bad Idea

Because someone new
Because I am afraid
Because I am not in control
Because I am tired
Because the dark
Because I am nervous for the unknown
Because sometimes the things I desire are very far away
Because I am still hopeful
Because I am not easily charmed
Because I fall too quickly
Because she is one of my best friends
Because I still want to adopt
Because "I see that I'm a little piece in a big, big universe. And that makes things right."

Also, cohesion.

Things I Wish Would Happen But Will Most Likely Not Be Today, Etc.

Though I hate to acknowledge/these things take time/They cannot be rushed/or fast-forwarded/or ambushed into action/(which is what I'd prefer they do)/Perhaps for now we can sit/Walk the lake/Hope for good things for people who are not ourselves/And maybe "3rd times the charm,"/or 4th/or 5th/or maybe no charms/Just a peace and hope for what is to come/But still trying to be okay with the quiet,/the sadness,/the humility of solitude.

Childhood is a strange country. It's a place where you come from or go to - at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It's like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you're dizzy. -Lyall Bush

Scarred Knees

I am told that I have not been content with the things I have, or the places I am in--would this be life in general? As of late, I have caught myself saying, "once I have _______, ___________, & _______, THEN I will be happy and never want anything every again." Guess what happens when I get ____________, _______________, & ____________? Yeah, I think you get it. There are new things to fill in the old blanks every single time. I am ashamed to confess there is such a disconnect between the life I say I want to lead and the one that I actually do. Maybe I am not so different than those I love to hate. Those who have so much material wealth they don't seem to know what to do with themselves. And they DO appear to be very happy. Maybe they are? And maybe I am missing a lot of things. Like the fact that Jesus is here in a neighbor stopping to greet me, or my mom leaving a 2 minute voicemail, or Brian reminding me that I am more than my paycheck or having my shit figured out. So the Prius would be a perk and a new laptop would be lovely, but a gentle and kind spirit? I'm trying to fill in the blanks.

like a child

I was going through one of our desk drawers and came across a large envelope with a long story inside. As I was peering into the envelope, I saw a smaller manila notecard with Psalm 131 cursived on it.
Now I can't for the life of me remember who wrote it, as there was no return address, but I can say that I forgot about that sweet little Psalm. One I claimed as "my" song, so it is strange that I had forgotten it.
In other news, it has been posted by my nightstand, where I can catch a glimpse of it at just the right times.
Also, there is a band called Waterdeep who does an incredible version of the song 131. So if you have a chance to listen to it, I think you should.

On Patience.

Quickly,
We curl up under floral sheets;
Shyly,
Kiss and press our spines together;
Slowly,
Breathe in night and fall asleep.

on raining outside.

since it was raining outside to night, i got to use my windshield wipers for the first time in a long time.
&as i waited for the stoplight to change colors, i just sort of stared at the blades going swish, swash, back and forth. and it was kind of peaceful in a peculiar way.
now i don`t know if it was because i had an umbrella, or the lights downtown looked unusually hopeful, or that brian is coming back soon, or that i am getting out of here next week, or just that the garbage bag nintendo man was having so much fun. but whatever it was, it felt good. good enough to put on a quotable coffee mug if my "good" could be verbalized. i keep telling myself i`m waiting for something really big and great to happen.
may be this is it.

on sharing things out of the usual

okay,

we are not sexy or beautiful or rich,
but we are cute.
we are good and we are simple
&we are pure.

we know how many balls are in a strike
strikes outs, hits runs.

corra casa.

j &the whale

hold me close
closely
closer
&rub circles round my bones.

tilt my chin up
upley
upper
&kiss that weary mask.

cradle her head
softly
softer
&whisper hushed mysteries--
even the moon wanes weak.

bryce graham

it`s been a quiet day here: too warm to fill my lungs with too many promises for the first day of summer.
you`ll understand eventually, i suppose.

but to night, i can hope for this:
warm food,
yard work,
lemon sorbet,
&faithfullness.

Wish you were here.

60.

"A miracle is when the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. A miracles is where one plus one equals a thousand."

it is good to know that you are out there.

5!

Dear Ryan,
Well, Merry Christmas! I haven`t seen you in quite some time, &...well...I miss you a bit. A lot, actually, &i don`t really know why i`ve never told you that. I mean, Christmas was all right, fine, i guess. But who said you were allowed to grow up so quickly? Who says you have your own life & were lucky enough to meet a girl as sweet &kind as she? Oh, laughing man, what have you won? I`m missing out on important parts of your life. &it seems that neither of us care enough to pick up the two tin cans &have an honest-to-goodness conversation that dusts the cobwebs collecting in the corners of our rooms. [for years now!]
All i`m trying to say is i`m sorry. &i miss you. &i love you.
See you one day, Lion-heart.
Your sister,
Arianna

&with waters welling up

reaching out with one cooling hand, he wiped the fever from my brow.
&spoke in silence joyous sounds
that should either be suffocated
or screamed out loud.