on what can be said

Hi. It appears that when one has more time than she knows what to do with, very little actually gets done. At least, that is what this she has found. Here I am, at the end of October, wishing that the weather would at least pretend to behave and shed its perpetual summer skin. But, no luck. I think it's about 85 right now. I'm still looking for a job. I am reading Mockingjay, trying to convince Brian that the fact that it is labeled "YA" does not negate the point that I am reading again. Which is something. I'd like to tell you that my recent transition into marriage has righted every concern and answered every question I've ever held in my heart. But it has not, and I guess I am glad that it hasn't. Instead, it has decided to bring with it more concerns and questions to which I know the correct response to quite few. I found that my husband enjoys making lists, and I suppose I am not immune to this simple task either. Here are some things I have noted in my first 100 days or so: Clean up your dishes. Vacuum the floors at least twice a week. Make sure the dog has a full bowl of water. Limit t.v. exposure. Kiss each other when you leave and when you come back. Go outside. Let me get the mail. Let him play games. Make the bed. Open the blinds in the morning. Don't wear nail polish for more than two weeks. Eat fruit & vegetables. (Try to disguise them if you're not as good at this as you thought.) Maybe you found something on this list that was really helpful for your relationship, or something new that you'd like to try out. I hope so! And if I had a verse to share with you I'm pretty sure it'd be the one from Psalms... "O Lord, do not delay!" I'm not sure why, but this is what I want you to have. Also, let me know if you'll be in Florida this coming week, because it looks like I will be too.

The Quiet

Confession.
For most of my life I have been shy. There may have been approx. 3 weeks of my entire existence where I pretended to be an extrovert (probably around the time I started college), but deep down I knew my heart couldn't take it for long. This is truth: I am shy; I am quiet; I am oftentimes (I hope unbeknownst to others) terribly worrisome and may be guilty of thinking too much. Okay, okay, I think too much. It still makes me a little sad when I finish a good book, because I invest in the characters and feel like I'm losing a group of really cool friends. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing; but you see what I mean.
So I find it interesting that I gravitate towards those who are not as quiet as I have been. Many of my friends are and can be (for lack of a more graceful description) loud. They are boisterous and in charge and have fun and reap the benefits of being known. And for that I am grateful. Maybe if I had too many friend who were just like me we'd all sit around and say nice things about each other. Which sounds cute, but could become terribly boring after about 20 minutes.

I guess what I am saying is this: I have grown up in the boisterous and in charge and have fun, but instead have become the gentle, deferential, and speak softly. It is not so much an ultimatum as an internal observation, and as for this time of year, I think it's a pretty good place for me to be.

hanging with friends

You would think by now that I would have had time to settle in, find a job, do some writing, ride my bike to town, and all these things. But, in truth, I have only spent 3 nights in my new room, and punched my last timecard on Friday. I didn't really know what to do with myself, so I missed some flights and finally ended up at home. Home is a nice place to be when you don't really know what to do, and, indeed, it is a luxury to travel on a whim (somewhat) and know that someone will be waiting to pick me up on the other side.
In other news, my brother, sister-in-law, and niece are also visiting, so it has been nice to see them for a few days, too. It also makes me never want to have children under the age of 5. (I hope you can understand.) I have been mulling over the idea of adoption for when I am older and financially stable, so there's that. It might also throw all my relatives for a loop which could be a nice change of pace for the Nelson Clan.

I loved the softness in his voice,
but mostly I loved the softness of his heart:
how every sparrow mattered,
every orphaned kitten needed a home.
I didn't expect we'd go very far together,
and yet,
I still smell his mouth,
still feel his shadow hovering
over my kneeling frame,
offering those babies a saucer of milk.

on long, dusty roads.

we can make time for the what that matters.

july third, two thousand seven

"&I dreamed of syrupy fingered innocence, stickers on the car windows, laughing, crying, unbroken circles of families in sundresses & linen pants & camping, fishing & gardening & standing up for the softer ones, & gentleness & scrabble, orange juice, & "have a sunny side up day" notes in lunch boxes, and resting & moving & mattering & selflessness as constant as my mother`s arms, in a world not made for families & black sheeps, but we are these things, and have made it a home, anyway."

verão

i hope you can hear me way up [and over] there.
i hope you know that for the first time in a long time i am as a lone as the solitary polar bear,
[or the north wood moose]
but you can be assured that they are not spending their time as i ought:
with tea and meatless hotdogs.
&it`s not so much the fact that you are gone,
but that i must remember what it means to be a little more empty,
an ever-trusting soul,
minus indulgent sprees at the gallery & winning the snake`s mouth.

5!

Dear Ryan,
Well, Merry Christmas! I haven`t seen you in quite some time, &...well...I miss you a bit. A lot, actually, &i don`t really know why i`ve never told you that. I mean, Christmas was all right, fine, i guess. But who said you were allowed to grow up so quickly? Who says you have your own life & were lucky enough to meet a girl as sweet &kind as she? Oh, laughing man, what have you won? I`m missing out on important parts of your life. &it seems that neither of us care enough to pick up the two tin cans &have an honest-to-goodness conversation that dusts the cobwebs collecting in the corners of our rooms. [for years now!]
All i`m trying to say is i`m sorry. &i miss you. &i love you.
See you one day, Lion-heart.
Your sister,
Arianna

long night

tossing &turning,
unable to rest soundly,
peacefully frustrated and furiously I
check the clock
teasing me:
there are only four [three!] hours till light.
"Good night, socks."

to where have You wandered, little lamb?
let me gather You up in my arms
&carry You safely to the fold
of sweet dreams,
well-rested sleeps,
&little hearts proudly beating.

part 3.

with sudsy fingers scrubbing the scalp of a grimy eleven-year old,
she sits back on her heels, with beating heart &thinks:
"yes, yes, i am a live."

(#7)the motion of life.

repose 4.

1. Moving.
2. Curious pieces of litter.
3. Resilience.
4. Dave Eggers.

pt. 2.

1. Easy rain falling.
2. Typewriters.
3. The sweet, wiser women at the circulation desk in the library.
4. Listening to others.

things to get reaquainted with.

1. Stop taking myself so seriously.
2. Listening to public radio.
3. Children, specifically seven and eight year olds.
4. Joy.

we were kings of the day.

that wasn`t really what i wanted to say at all.

free

Dear Raindrops,
Water fell from the sky today.
After the sprinkling I wanted to stand outside and smell the tinny air. And I thought that perhaps one day I would live in a place that had rainfalls, and I would walk slower and talk less and love people the way they needed to be loved.
And today I am still wandering.
And today it`s o.k. to feel a little aimless; and the next today is allowed to stand on her own.
Today I fell freely.
Today I moved on impulses other than my own.
Today was full of life and not death.
Today was new.

I do not exist.

and ashamed, I whispered, "But Lord, all I have to offer You are these feeble hands and wandering feet and lustful heart and two dirty pocket pigeons."
so He took them.

oh, little girl

you`re just a little girl.

Dear Jesus,
I would like to have a sweetheart now.
But You are saying, "not yet."
Will You let me be o.k. with that?
Sincerely,
Arianna

#232

What does it mean to truly love again?
&How do I befriend this child who has changed almost beyond my understanding, and how do I intercede for this child who has not felt Your eternal peace in over twenty-two years, and how do I agape this child that makes me smile and hope against hope?
Have mercy on us.

Psalm 91: "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge."