On Ordinary

One of my favorite times with you was the Saturday morning you surprised me with coffee before work.  You told me you had heard of this really great place and even though I had no idea how significant a well-crafted latte would become to me, I was excited to be chauffeured to the office with a quick stop for caffeinated goodness on the way.

"What if I didn't work on Saturdays?" I mused as we walked back to the car.  I don't think you responded.

And so the morning drive continued without incident, you dropped me off right before the Farmer's Market vendors started unloading their trucks, preparing for the day's activities.

A few months later, I got Saturdays off and we both worked Monday through Friday like "normal" adults do.  This isn't super significant, except to say the surprise coffee trip only happened once.  And maybe it should have happened more, or maybe the novelty of it made it matter most to my aching yet hopeful heart.

And I am still trying to process these feelings and hurts and choices, but when is it enough?


I dreamed about you last night, so I figured this was the most appropriate form of response.

On Quiet

Some days the hardest thing is just keeping my mouth shut.

Also, this.

On Being Mean

I had a bad day yesterday.  Nothing was wrong, except I hated everything and took it out on someone I care very much about and traffic and to be honest, was legitimately lucky that I didn't get into a car accident. (Trust me, there was plenty of time for it to happen...)

I know that everyone has bad days now and then, for good reason or for none at all, but I am still sorry I haven't figured out how to manage all those things that inevitably start to snowball and end up exploding in an awkwardly guttural yell that leaves the back of my throat itchy and raw for days.

And I am still learning that people are good and true and reliable and all of the things that you don't realize you need until they're sitting in front of you being needed.

It's still hard for me to believe I'm deserving of all the "second chances" that inevitably make an appearance in this life, but maybe now I can slowly realize that I am.

On What We Really Need

Listen, I'm not trying to say that I know anything about anything.  I have little to no idea what it means to grow up or act like an adult or present my 'best self'* to the world.  I suppose what I have learned (and continue to learn) is that there can be a fine line between wants and needs when it comes to the way I have been living.

I also realized I become very nervous when reading poetry to anyone because I'm worried they are losing interest after approximately 2 lines.  But more on that later.

So I am faced with a choice (every day, aren't we?) to choose between wants and needs while trying my darndest to negotiate what exactly the difference is. 

This post isn't going the way I planned.  Oh well.


*what does that even mean, again?

All the Feels

I am here to say that I have been pleasantly surprised by the quiet unfolding of events over the past few weeks.  I feel lucky/blessed/etc/etc to be in this place, but the truth is I have put in a lot of work and made several fucking hard decisions to get here.  And, yes, I was not expecting this "so soon," but I can't deny that something is happening.

For now that is enough to keep me hopeful, to continue getting to know this peculiar person and to be okay with all the not knowings of something new and real and fragile.

It's not the worst place to be, I suppose.

On (Not) Knowing.

I will never apologize for being "too kind." 

I cannot be sorry for having a heart that is "too soft."

I understand I'm in my head too much.

I know.

I know.

Iknow.

Some Things

Things have happened since Christmas. Nothing earth shattering, but I can tell you that I am "pretty good."

Uhhhh...I met someone.  Trust me, I am just as confused as you are.  We shall see what happens.

For now, I am doing my best to not worry, to stop beating myself up over how things have been over the past 12 months, to acknowledge that I am okay in company and in solitude.

There is such a thing as grace.  I am so quick to forget.