When the Rain Comes

The building I live in is old.  Also, there is a storm happening. (Right now!)  And I found myself tossing & turning in bed as the curtains flapped wildly against the screen, convincing myself I couldn't close the windows because I have never closed them since moving in and why would this morning be any different?

I will refrain from turning this into some sort of philosophical metaphor for old things and leaving things open or forcing them to close and just say this: I was able to shut the windows.

Everything was still okay.

On Not Knowing

One of the first things I will confess to you if we spend any amount of time together is that "mostly, I know that I do not know." Sure, I have my opinions and beliefs about why things work they way they do (or don't), but these are my opinions and if you want facts, maybe you should consult a book or Google or better yet go straight to the source (if/when possible).

I am also one of the more passive people you will meet and would go to great lengths to keep the peace versus actually addressing an issue I may have with someone. Chink in the armor? I suppose.

All that to say, the more people I meet, the more things I learn, the more I realize how little I know about my neighborhood, the city of Los Angeles, the Golden State, and I suppose life in general. It is a gentle, humbling reminder that I am a little piece of a great, big universe. "And that makes things right."

Even when it doesn't feel that way all the time.

On Maybes

I came across a truly lovely quote the other day, via Dallas Clayton's Instagram. (I wish there were another word for this, but alas I digress)

We reserve ceremonies for the definite. The "yes" and the "no," but there is much to be said for the potential of a brave and well-timed "maybe."

Let me tell you what I know about ceremonies and it will be short because I do not know much. I have attended some; been a part of a few and they are good and strange and formal and impermanent all at once. I have yet to be involved in a ceremony that honors the "maybes" of the world. I suppose I would be involved in a lot more if maybes were reason enough to celebrate.

In a few months I will be a part of a ceremony for the definite no. Perhaps if I were more excited about maybes I would be dealing with less of these formalities. Or not.

All I'm saying is I'm excited for more brave and well-timed maybes. For once.

But check back with me tomorrow.

On at Least Trying to Be

In the words of Hush Puppy: "I wanna be cohesive."

My painful realization of the day yesterday was this: I am obsessed with pursuing/being in a romantic relationship.

So...shit.  This self-awareness endeavor is no joke. 

Now what?

On (More) Loneliness

I have been having dreams lately.  And I wake up in fear and sadness and relief.  And I drive to work and think about "what it all means" and "why am I here" and "when do I get to start feeling better again?"  And my heart aches to be known and understood and conversed with in a way it hasn't in far too long.

So where do I keep these little hurts?  What do I do when my mind starts racing and I see my life as it always has been which is for the most part unknown and not in my control?  How do I live well amidst feelings that convince me that things aren't going 'well,' and who knows when they will be?

I am a creature of habit and schedules and routine.  I am still learning how to trust the process, to sit with myself, to be 'ok' with that particular self, to cry.  In short: I AM FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  And most days this honesty feels like a swift punch to the gut and I am left to wonder how I became so vulnerable to emotional assault (too dramatic?) again.

I do not have answers to most things, but what I do know is this: Good things take time.  If you feel out of control in the morning like me, take some breaths, stand in a quiet corner & tell yourself you'll be okay, pray?, wait a few hours, see how you feel in the afternoon or even the next day.  Be wary of acting on emotions without any thought behind them.  Be gracious with yourself if you're like me and inevitably do respond out of fear and impulse some times.  There is always room for both.

On Benefitting from Doubt

Remember that time I said I wanted to be taken advantage of? Scratch that. I definitely do not want that to happen.

I do still want to be kind and am trying to practice this skill daily. (Things tend to get easier the more you do them, good or bad...take that for what it's worth I suppose.)  I also realize that life for me is filled with far fewer wild adventures and many more quiet ones: interacting with humans, being outside, exploring.

Maybe re-learning how to be me is enough this year.  Maybe next year I get to re-learn how to be with others. Or maybe not.  Maybe I don't have holiday plans for the first time in my life and this is both terrifying and mildly okay.  Maybe being okay with the 'unknown' is an awkwardly small step in the direction of a much larger desire to be gracious in the art of letting go.

Whatever that means.

On Trusting the Process

We (I) seem to spend so much time fighting/thrashing around/holding things too tightly in my white-knuckling grip that I forget to relax/ease in/believe good. This amorphous concept of "letting go" seems to make so much sense, but trying to actually apply it perplexes me 'so much.'

My little sister sent me this Story People last night:
 

It's aptly titled "Simple Truths."