Sunday, February 17, 2013

streams: incessant mercy

So I have been thinking about updating for a while now, but every time I sit down to write, I find myself editing to the point of nothingness. (It's okay if that didn't make sense.) So, instead, I am going to be practicing a little technique called stream of consciousness. Don't worry, it will not be too deep to wade. (: I started working a full time job again in mid-January. I'm terribly grateful to have a job but not feeling any pride or loyalty to my position. So there's that. It is a comfort to receive a paycheck on a (somewhat) regular basis and know that I won't be petitioning relatives for money any more. I still haven't really made any new friends here, which is hard for a number of reasons. I love living in the city and being with Brian and Goose but I haven't felt that sense of "belonging" in quite some time. Brian and I watched a movie on Netflix last weekend called The Giant Mechanical Man. Jenna Fischer was one of the main characters and as far as Hollywood goes, one of the more realistic portrayals of a human being that I have seen. You could watch it if you have Netflix. Basically, she is a single 30-something woman living in NYC, going from temp job to "highly overqualified for the position" job, etc. And at one point in the film she says, "Why is it so important to everyone that I need to know what I want to do?! Isn't just being me enough?" In summary: I don't know what I want to do in life but I feel that "just being me" is not enough! What about your future, your family, having enough money to live, being fulfilled, working towards the greater good? What of it?! I suppose you could posture that I have too much time to think these days. Perhaps so. There are some days that my heart aches to be close to people that already know me, those easy friendships and relationships that have become just so because of the time and attention given. Maybe something very good is right around the bend! So I keep paddling, not quite as furiously, because eventually we always end up back on shore.