On Being Mean

I had a bad day yesterday.  Nothing was wrong, except I hated everything and took it out on someone I care very much about and traffic and to be honest, was legitimately lucky that I didn't get into a car accident. (Trust me, there was plenty of time for it to happen...)

I know that everyone has bad days now and then, for good reason or for none at all, but I am still sorry I haven't figured out how to manage all those things that inevitably start to snowball and end up exploding in an awkwardly guttural yell that leaves the back of my throat itchy and raw for days.

And I am still learning that people are good and true and reliable and all of the things that you don't realize you need until they're sitting in front of you being needed.

It's still hard for me to believe I'm deserving of all the "second chances" that inevitably make an appearance in this life, but maybe now I can slowly realize that I am.

On What We Really Need

Listen, I'm not trying to say that I know anything about anything.  I have little to no idea what it means to grow up or act like an adult or present my 'best self'* to the world.  I suppose what I have learned (and continue to learn) is that there can be a fine line between wants and needs when it comes to the way I have been living.

I also realized I become very nervous when reading poetry to anyone because I'm worried they are losing interest after approximately 2 lines.  But more on that later.

So I am faced with a choice (every day, aren't we?) to choose between wants and needs while trying my darndest to negotiate what exactly the difference is. 

This post isn't going the way I planned.  Oh well.


*what does that even mean, again?

All the Feels

I am here to say that I have been pleasantly surprised by the quiet unfolding of events over the past few weeks.  I feel lucky/blessed/etc/etc to be in this place, but the truth is I have put in a lot of work and made several fucking hard decisions to get here.  And, yes, I was not expecting this "so soon," but I can't deny that something is happening.

For now that is enough to keep me hopeful, to continue getting to know this peculiar person and to be okay with all the not knowings of something new and real and fragile.

It's not the worst place to be, I suppose.