The Quiet

Confession.
For most of my life I have been shy. There may have been approx. 3 weeks of my entire existence where I pretended to be an extrovert (probably around the time I started college), but deep down I knew my heart couldn't take it for long. This is truth: I am shy; I am quiet; I am oftentimes (I hope unbeknownst to others) terribly worrisome and may be guilty of thinking too much. Okay, okay, I think too much. It still makes me a little sad when I finish a good book, because I invest in the characters and feel like I'm losing a group of really cool friends. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing; but you see what I mean.
So I find it interesting that I gravitate towards those who are not as quiet as I have been. Many of my friends are and can be (for lack of a more graceful description) loud. They are boisterous and in charge and have fun and reap the benefits of being known. And for that I am grateful. Maybe if I had too many friend who were just like me we'd all sit around and say nice things about each other. Which sounds cute, but could become terribly boring after about 20 minutes.

I guess what I am saying is this: I have grown up in the boisterous and in charge and have fun, but instead have become the gentle, deferential, and speak softly. It is not so much an ultimatum as an internal observation, and as for this time of year, I think it's a pretty good place for me to be.

all right?

I may have forgotten what it feels like to simply exist without an agenda beyond waking up, exercising, working, playing with Goose, and falling asleep.
It is a humbling process.

on investing your love.

A friend of mine recently lamented? exclaimed? that I had "everything" I wanted. And even though I couldn't tell if it was unmet longing or cryptic relief on their part, I couldn't help but think that everything I have now could very well be all I ever need. Forever? Perhaps. It seems idealistic of me to confess that at 24 years old, I can't possibly imagine anything else that I need to be content. It is only a feeling you know if you have it, but also a feeling you know if you don't.
At church today, we prayed a lot of peace prayers, lighting little tealights around the unity candle, and I couldn't deny the overwhelming sense of peace that passes my ideas of self and others and the world. I also couldn't deny the realization that I have stopped comparing myself to others, or, at least, have not dwelt on it as strongly as before.
I think it's a freedom that's just as real as what most Americans are honoring today.

On not disappointing.

For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late. -Habakkuk

Brian and I are getting married! Tell all your friends.

on sleeping hiccup attacks.

So there's a little creature in my life that sleeps on his back, dawdles in the bushes, and dreams long and hard. And I've never had a tiny heart rely on my own so much for everything. Oh, wait, I mean EVERYTHING. And this wasn't exactly how I had planned things: jobless, carless, moneyless...and yet, I can't complain when I think of all the little things. That I haven't been faithful in. All the big things that have yet to happen. And all the big things that already have in spite of myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just this: I'm still here. Things are happening. She is faithful, even when I am not. He cannot deny Himself.

And, proof:

On big time commitments.

There's no ring, but this is a pretty damn good start.

I never promised you a rose garden...or anything else for that matter.

Pardon my vulgarity, but being unemployed sucks. I have become painfully aware of how much of my self-worth comes from being able to live independently. That being said, I have already finished one book, spinned my legs off (they are still here), and slept 8 hours almost every night. It's not the best, but it's definitely not the worst. And even though Starbucks won't hire me, I'm hopeful that just means someone else will. Right?

on not having many plans

so you can have a day mostly focused on this.

hanging with friends

You would think by now that I would have had time to settle in, find a job, do some writing, ride my bike to town, and all these things. But, in truth, I have only spent 3 nights in my new room, and punched my last timecard on Friday. I didn't really know what to do with myself, so I missed some flights and finally ended up at home. Home is a nice place to be when you don't really know what to do, and, indeed, it is a luxury to travel on a whim (somewhat) and know that someone will be waiting to pick me up on the other side.
In other news, my brother, sister-in-law, and niece are also visiting, so it has been nice to see them for a few days, too. It also makes me never want to have children under the age of 5. (I hope you can understand.) I have been mulling over the idea of adoption for when I am older and financially stable, so there's that. It might also throw all my relatives for a loop which could be a nice change of pace for the Nelson Clan.

on leaving.

let's hope so.

streams.

It has been too long since I've had a chance to be reflective enough to write something of relevance here. It has been a long, loud, weekend. I feel older and am older, and lots of other things too. I am wondering about the validity of moving away from alot of things, people, places, etc. that I know and love to pursue one human. Is it worth it? (I like to think yes) The more people I talk to, the more people I tell that I'm moving, the more realistic my plan becomes. I don't want to be "that" girl that chases "that" boy. But I guess for lack of a better description, that's exactly who I am. It worries me somewhat, but not enough to do anything about it.
I like to think that a ring on my finger, and our own apartment with two bicycles in the hallway will finally be some sort of indicator that I have arrived. That the life I am living is worth it and valid and permanent. Some days the idea of carrying another life around inside me makes me sick to my stomach. But I wouldn't be here if someone didn't do the same for me. I really really really really like adoption. It might be hard to find someone who is on the same page as I am with that. But I hope I have/do/will find a partner in that, regardless. My mom asked me today if I knew what my dream job was. I had to say no. Maybe by now I should have said yes to that. How long does it take until I know? I wish I knew, I guess. For now there are too many things that I don't know. But I have learned to be content in them. I have learned that I am not the job I have, or the clubs I'm in, or the meals I prepare, or the stories I write. I am all of these things and none of these things, and it has taken a long time for me to honor this. I am light and truth and innocence and tenderheartedness and grace.

happy easter

I woke up too early for a good enough reason, with good enough people, and found myself sitting on a picnic table at the beach. I have heard the minister's words so many times, that mostly I forget how good they are. Better than good and better than enough, but I guess not good enough to remember.
For the most part, I find myself wandering and full of questions. And not necessarily in a bad way, just in a "well, what about this?" sort of way. So, there's that.
But it was so nice to sit outside with friends, and eat food that I helped prepare, and, for a few hours, not have any questions to think about.
Indeed, He has risen.

one lucky...

I have heard it said that "a dog is a man's best friend." I don't doubt the statement, but it does make me wonder about the mechanics of the human animal bond. Or maybe why the phrase isn't "a woman is a man's best friend." (I assume for some this is entirely the case, however, for the sake of argument...)
I have some reasons why this proverb may be so, particularly from a man's point of view:
-they are always happy to see you
-they're down for a ride in the car anywhere
-they always listen
-they never criticize you
-they don't care about how much money you make, or what you do, or fancy dinners
-they (for the most part) do what you ask them to
-they think you're the best thing since breakfast 3 hours ago (see point 1)

I'm not trying to anthropomorphize, or maybe I am, but I think we could learn a thing or two from those critters. Whether you're a man or a woman, I don't even care if you have a dog or not, maybe we could try to be more like them in all our various ships. I think we could have a lot more honest and hopeful interactions that way. Think about it.

Birthdays!

And so the countdown begins...

on never being able to stay New for long

I read something somewhere that said you should be kind to people, because every one is fighting their own battle. But I forget to be kind to people, because I forget that I'm not the only one that has bad days, and other people get cut off in the bike lane, get yelled at by the boss, and things like that.
But some times I like to think of a place all to myself, where I could invite people to come over and have a meal, or read books, or play games, or maybe just sit for a while. I don't think I would like to have a lot of decorations, but I would take donations at my guests' insistence.
In other news, I noticed a rollee-pollee on the sidewalk, and also saw a dog that looked like he had a chocolate milk mustache. It was pretty cute. It didn't feel like a Monday to me, which is a nice feeling.
I am already starting to feel nervous about what happens in June. Maybe because I don't really have any idea, but maybe mostly because I have little control over big changes. I should learn to be okay with that.
There is a verse in I Thessalonians that says something about living a quiet life and minding your own business and working with your hands. I would like to try to do that. I also would like to be more kind to people, especially people I am close to, and especially people that have let me down. I know I say this alot, and it's not much, but it is a start.

a day

I couldn't let this day go by without making some sort of proclamation. TODAY WAS A LOVELY DAY! The light has been lasting longer since March 13th, but I haven't been enjoying it the way I did today.
I rode to work without mittens or a jacket this morning. (It has been the first time in a long time since I've done that.) It was opening day for baseball, too. And I'm very happy that it's here. Because of all the sports I could get into, baseball just happens to be the one I like. So forgive me if I don't know the names of all the players, because I do know who won tonight. And I do know that people wondered why Posey threw to third.
In summary, I got to be outside a lot, even though I had to work.
It was a very good day.

Sky scrapings

To be honest, I kind of feel like I'm walking around in a daze right now.
It was hard to drive to work this morning, above ground, waiting for traffic, not able to rely on my feet to get around on time.
It was hard to sit inside for hours, answering the phone, scribbling in charts, straightening magazines, watching the rain.
It is hard to realize that family sleeps in a bed across from you, but that they are also thousands of miles and lifestyles away from you too.
I can't say that these are earth shattering thoughts, but I am thinking them nonetheless. And I'm guessing it's safe to say that if you were the first skyscraper once upon a time, well, chances are pretty good that you're always gonna be the first.

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace."
1 Corinthians 14:33

faithfull in little & much.

A couple of days ago (and I am sorry, I know it’s no longer Valentine’s Day), I looked at my boyfriend and said, “Is there anyone else in love like us?” Which may or may not have been a spin off of a line from a certain Maya Rudolph in a particular movie that I am terribly fond of. Regardless.
What I think I meant to say was, “Will we still be in love like this when I can’t keep up with you on my bike, or if I am driven to madness by your sports fanaticisms?” But it was shorter. And sweeter. And perhaps encapsulates a lot more of what I was thinking at the time.
A friend of mine asked what sort of goals I had set up for my life, and one of them involved a dog, and another (more serious) one involved being in love with a partner for the better part of my life. I know I am a romantic, so this might have something to do with my response, but I also know that I can be dangerously practical, and that I have seen that sort of practicality fleshed out in many grown up relationships.
So, I know what to avoid, but there is a part of me that fears the only way to avoid mistakes is to repeat them. Which doesn’t really make that much sense if you think about it, so don’t. I’m afraid my partner and I will mirror my parents. Or, in other words, that we will be humans.
I am eager for a time when people get married for the right reasons: not because they’re young and not because they’re old, and not because they’re pregnant, or because they want to have sex or are simply tired of waiting.
And I don’t know what the right reason for you is, but I think for me it’s something along the lines of living better together than on my own, and loving fiercely, and finally waking up next to a very, very dear friend.

Conversation Hearts

There are a lot of parts of me that want to have arrived. To walk through the front door and put slippers on my feet and make a snack in the kitchen.
Then there are parts that are still longing for a departure. To ride down the street, backpack on, making it home before nightfall.
I can't say why there are so many parts of me that are still blanketed with insecurities. All empirical evidence aside, I should be a perfectly well-adjusted, emotionally stable Caucasian female.
And, for the most part, for more than the most part, I am!
So why do I catch myself feeling sorry in the worst ways for my current condition? Why is "love" worth waiting around for? Why do I have to have a 5 and 10 year plan in the next 6 months or else?!

re:cycling

"The Rider"

A boy told me
if he roller-skated fast enough
his loneliness couldn't catch up to him,

the best reason I ever heard
for trying to be a champion.

What I wonder tonight
pedaling hard down King William Street
is if it translates to bicycles.

A victory! To leave your loneliness
panting behind you on some street corner
while you float free into a cloud of sudden azaleas,
pink petals that have never felt loneliness,
no matter how slowly they fell.

-Naomi Shihab Nye, 1998.

I think I am looking forward to a time where bed sharing is permissible and commuting by bicycle is possible and having a four legged friend proves feasible.

clear nailpolish.

I believe that there are a lot of big parts of me that appreciate change. I relish the idea of ending one job in search of a new (more fulfilling) one, and then working other part-time (less-fulfilling) ones. I'm anxious for friendships to become deeper and permanent. I get goosebumps thinking of all the great rides I'll have on a bike I can effortlessly carry up stairs; I'm even thinking about all new streets and sidewalks in the next year! See, I'm okay with the different!!
But (there had to be), I also believe that there's an even bigger part of me that appreciates the constancy of this life I am (lest I forget, currently) living. I have my rhythms and habits and place for my shoes at the front door.
So I worry about where I can find a place to work out in the mornings, if I don't live near school, and I wonder if any one would hire me with such limited job experience. I also wonder who would want to live with me, or who I would end up living with apart from here.
I am afraid of change. But I also firmly believe that He/She is aware of my fears and validates my concerns. Which makes me feel a little better. And I'm also fairly certain that the God who bore with 'please send us a puppy' Christmas prayers is still able to determine immediate needs and those that I could do without for just one more year.
So there is that. Which is nice.

It is a new year.

I'm expecting a lot from you, New Year. I expect you'll teach me how to be more gracious and tender, but also truthful. I'm pretty sure there will be some new birthdays to celebrate and parties to be had. I expect there will be some sorts of physical and unphysical movings and rearrangings and I'm also expecting to be content in them.
I hope I don't think that just because it's 2011 terribly wonderful things will happen. But I hope they do any way.
In other news, my road bike is on its way to town, so I am expecting it to be here soon. You may also presume that I will be riding it a lot.
I hope you are expectant in the New Year, too.