Childhood is a strange country. It's a place where you come from or go to - at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It's like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you're dizzy. -Lyall Bush

duck duck goose

So I know I don't really bring up personal things here, for fear that you may get the wrong idea. Things are good. Usually, things are always good. And if they're not good right now, they will be soon enough. That being said, if I am being totally honest with myself (and apparently right now I am), I must confess to you, dear readers, how difficult this 1st year of marriage has been for me. Upon review, 368 days later, for no apparent legitimate reason, I find myself questioning any newlywed couple that told me this decision would be "so easy." What did/do they know that I didn't/don't? Maybe I wasn't really "ready," maybe I had the wrong expectations, maybe I'm just not "marriage material." Maybe all of the above? The logistics of a wedding were overwhelming, but the reality of marriage was something I thought would come naturally to me, the oldest daughter of two still-married (happily?) Christian parents from a small, sleepy town on the Gulf coast. This is what G.R.I.T.S. are supposed to do, right? Not so easy, and in case you were wondering, it hasn't come as naturally as I assumed it would that balmy afternoon my sweet beau pulled out a box and asked me if I wanted to keep up this good thing we had going between us indefinitely. What I didn't realize, nor could I have anticipated the post-proposal pre-wedding haze, was the seriousness of my simple response. Yes to you and me. Yes to only us. Yes to disease. Yes to poverty. Yes to shortcomings. Yes to our humanness. There are days when I don't want to say yes to only us or sickness or budgets or imperfections. I replay August and the beach and the dogs in the sand...what if my yes had been a no, thank you? I would only be saying Yes to something else. To my dear friends and family who are married or planning to get married or unmarried, I salute you, applaud your courage and admire your pluck for the conscious/unconscious choice to enter into the daily Yes with another willing party who may or may not be just as terrified as I was.

on investing your love.

A friend of mine recently lamented? exclaimed? that I had "everything" I wanted. And even though I couldn't tell if it was unmet longing or cryptic relief on their part, I couldn't help but think that everything I have now could very well be all I ever need. Forever? Perhaps. It seems idealistic of me to confess that at 24 years old, I can't possibly imagine anything else that I need to be content. It is only a feeling you know if you have it, but also a feeling you know if you don't.
At church today, we prayed a lot of peace prayers, lighting little tealights around the unity candle, and I couldn't deny the overwhelming sense of peace that passes my ideas of self and others and the world. I also couldn't deny the realization that I have stopped comparing myself to others, or, at least, have not dwelt on it as strongly as before.
I think it's a freedom that's just as real as what most Americans are honoring today.

I never promised you a rose garden...or anything else for that matter.

Pardon my vulgarity, but being unemployed sucks. I have become painfully aware of how much of my self-worth comes from being able to live independently. That being said, I have already finished one book, spinned my legs off (they are still here), and slept 8 hours almost every night. It's not the best, but it's definitely not the worst. And even though Starbucks won't hire me, I'm hopeful that just means someone else will. Right?

60.

"A miracle is when the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. A miracles is where one plus one equals a thousand."

48.

"Why should I wish to see God better than this day?
I see some thing of God each hour of the twenty-four, &each moment then,
In the faces of men &women I see God, and in my own face in the glass,
I find letters from God dropt in the street, &every one is sign`d by God`s name,
&I leave them where they are, for I know that wheresoe'er I go,
Others will punctually come for ever and ever." -Walt Whitman

for jane, for ever ago.

for old-fashioned television sets
salt water fish tanks,
&enough tableware to feed our humble army.
for sheep dogs,
brilliantly blue eyes
gentle voices &honest truths,
brand new ovens
&Jen's prints on every wall.
soy sauce and mushrooms,
apple tostada &tea.
&you.
you, all the while
breathing thanks with every syllable,
eyes that have seen so many things;
but you listen patiently, any way.

seven:

i want to hear little baby coughs
&puppies so excited that they puddle on the floor
&wrapping an old ticking clock in a warm blanket
so you feel closer to your mama`s beating heart
and the neighbourhood that is home.
oh, what to do with this curious in-be-tween?

for time i have wasted.

amphibians are croaking outside of my windows.
&you ran to me [really!] in the earlier hours of the day.
it sort of makes me wish i was just at home on rocky shores drive.
it sort of makes me want to walk our dogs down the dusky streets, &take the short cut back.
it sort of makes me want to call a friend &have a solid conversation.
it sort of makes me grate full that i can go to sleep after eight tonight.
it sort of makes me want to grow up.
but then again,
it sort of makes me want to fly.

my passport came today.

He catches me off guard
&it gets me every time.
turn the knob
push open the wood,
&there it is.
bathing my room in an ethereal glow.

5!

Dear Ryan,
Well, Merry Christmas! I haven`t seen you in quite some time, &...well...I miss you a bit. A lot, actually, &i don`t really know why i`ve never told you that. I mean, Christmas was all right, fine, i guess. But who said you were allowed to grow up so quickly? Who says you have your own life & were lucky enough to meet a girl as sweet &kind as she? Oh, laughing man, what have you won? I`m missing out on important parts of your life. &it seems that neither of us care enough to pick up the two tin cans &have an honest-to-goodness conversation that dusts the cobwebs collecting in the corners of our rooms. [for years now!]
All i`m trying to say is i`m sorry. &i miss you. &i love you.
See you one day, Lion-heart.
Your sister,
Arianna

&with waters welling up

reaching out with one cooling hand, he wiped the fever from my brow.
&spoke in silence joyous sounds
that should either be suffocated
or screamed out loud.

that curiously, bizarre thing

You. You, sir.
You are of a curious sort.
The kind I cannot seem to understand
No matter how hard I try
Or [how hard] you laugh[!]
Or how much is said
You curious thing; notion in my mind
The kind I cannot seem to understand
Stay that Way.
Do not change.
Display poorly crafted art
Shyly.
You curiously, perplexing being,
That I cannot seem to understand.
Stay that Way.
I do not want to build a
White, picket fence around
You.
Or my
Curiously, bizarre, misunderstanding heart.

i am a child in these hills.

I think I would like to join a house church.
I think we need more "hey, Dad," prayers, sloppiness and true community, tears, rejoicing with the rejoicers, and fracturing with the broken. We ought to break bread together &linger over fellowship longer. I should walk more slowly, talk more gently, &love more strongly. It appears that the Lord is more interested in the marginalized outskirted pocket pigeons of society, than the popular, unblemished lambs. I am one of those pigeons, you know. Perhaps we all are. What if we are just sposed to flock together, care for one another, and line our nests with feathers &soft things?
How good and pleasing it is when brothers &sisters dwell together in unity!

our old neighbour with four cats.

I hesitated to think about the future today.
But then your letter came. &I wasn`t so afraid.

peregrine falcons

tnaw I I want
.sterces siH His secrets.
sih ,ecno roF For once, his
.sterces tsetfoS Softest Secrets.

but you can reach me.

A time of contrast would be previous ¤t attitudes towards humans.
The good, uncommon reality is that there are those apart from your very self who are certainly capable of keeping confidence and trust.
Now, if you think, like me, those people are few and far between, well, perhaps you are right.
But may be there are more than you once thought.
&may be you are not quite the man or woman or child you are going to be.

back through the park.

"It`s hard to say the right words without practice, I said & she whispered in my ear, Say them as many times as you like & we practiced late into the night."

september 3,2006.

Technically, mules (a cross between a donkey and horse) are unable to reproduce.
Technically, it appears I like to put limits on what You can do.
I hope to change that.

I just went to a wedding.

I feel off.
The bells rang two hours late.
I knew this boy when we were on the cross-country team together. I rode in their mini-van. We sweated Saturdays and dilapidated rest stops. We were class mates; friends even.
So all I want to know is, who said this was allowed to happen?
& why do I still feel so unprepared?
Have mercy.