If Nothing Ever Changes

I have had the pleasure of raising a critter, of petting her soft belly and praising her for peeing in appropriate places.  I have loved long and hard and given up on things I shouldn't have and fallen again.  I've done my best making a home in a place where I was told would 'never really feel like home.'  I have ridden bikes and laid on the grass and the sand and been burned in the sun and came back to do it all over again.  I have lied and behaved cowardly and confessed and smiled and fallen again.
For all these things, and if nothing changes, I have lived.

On at Least Trying to Be

In the words of Hush Puppy: "I wanna be cohesive."

My painful realization of the day yesterday was this: I am obsessed with pursuing/being in a romantic relationship.

So...shit.  This self-awareness endeavor is no joke. 

Now what?

On Benefitting from Doubt

Remember that time I said I wanted to be taken advantage of? Scratch that. I definitely do not want that to happen.

I do still want to be kind and am trying to practice this skill daily. (Things tend to get easier the more you do them, good or bad...take that for what it's worth I suppose.)  I also realize that life for me is filled with far fewer wild adventures and many more quiet ones: interacting with humans, being outside, exploring.

Maybe re-learning how to be me is enough this year.  Maybe next year I get to re-learn how to be with others. Or maybe not.  Maybe I don't have holiday plans for the first time in my life and this is both terrifying and mildly okay.  Maybe being okay with the 'unknown' is an awkwardly small step in the direction of a much larger desire to be gracious in the art of letting go.

Whatever that means.

duck duck goose

So I know I don't really bring up personal things here, for fear that you may get the wrong idea. Things are good. Usually, things are always good. And if they're not good right now, they will be soon enough. That being said, if I am being totally honest with myself (and apparently right now I am), I must confess to you, dear readers, how difficult this 1st year of marriage has been for me. Upon review, 368 days later, for no apparent legitimate reason, I find myself questioning any newlywed couple that told me this decision would be "so easy." What did/do they know that I didn't/don't? Maybe I wasn't really "ready," maybe I had the wrong expectations, maybe I'm just not "marriage material." Maybe all of the above? The logistics of a wedding were overwhelming, but the reality of marriage was something I thought would come naturally to me, the oldest daughter of two still-married (happily?) Christian parents from a small, sleepy town on the Gulf coast. This is what G.R.I.T.S. are supposed to do, right? Not so easy, and in case you were wondering, it hasn't come as naturally as I assumed it would that balmy afternoon my sweet beau pulled out a box and asked me if I wanted to keep up this good thing we had going between us indefinitely. What I didn't realize, nor could I have anticipated the post-proposal pre-wedding haze, was the seriousness of my simple response. Yes to you and me. Yes to only us. Yes to disease. Yes to poverty. Yes to shortcomings. Yes to our humanness. There are days when I don't want to say yes to only us or sickness or budgets or imperfections. I replay August and the beach and the dogs in the sand...what if my yes had been a no, thank you? I would only be saying Yes to something else. To my dear friends and family who are married or planning to get married or unmarried, I salute you, applaud your courage and admire your pluck for the conscious/unconscious choice to enter into the daily Yes with another willing party who may or may not be just as terrified as I was.

Scarred Knees

I am told that I have not been content with the things I have, or the places I am in--would this be life in general? As of late, I have caught myself saying, "once I have _______, ___________, & _______, THEN I will be happy and never want anything every again." Guess what happens when I get ____________, _______________, & ____________? Yeah, I think you get it. There are new things to fill in the old blanks every single time. I am ashamed to confess there is such a disconnect between the life I say I want to lead and the one that I actually do. Maybe I am not so different than those I love to hate. Those who have so much material wealth they don't seem to know what to do with themselves. And they DO appear to be very happy. Maybe they are? And maybe I am missing a lot of things. Like the fact that Jesus is here in a neighbor stopping to greet me, or my mom leaving a 2 minute voicemail, or Brian reminding me that I am more than my paycheck or having my shit figured out. So the Prius would be a perk and a new laptop would be lovely, but a gentle and kind spirit? I'm trying to fill in the blanks.

on what can be said (again)

I have a place to go Monday through Friday from 8:30am-5pm. So...why do I feel exactly the same?

all right?

I may have forgotten what it feels like to simply exist without an agenda beyond waking up, exercising, working, playing with Goose, and falling asleep.
It is a humbling process.

Follow your heart.

Sometimes when people say, "Can you believe it's already (insert month here)?!" it really bugs me. Yes, I can believe that it's already the current month that we're in. Duh. Look at the calendar, yesterday was the day before and next month will follow approximately 30 days or so later. I guess it surprises humans, in general, how quickly a couple of days, weeks, and months go by. Again, with my busy theories.
B and I will have been dating for approximately 1,095 days this coming Sunday. THAT IS A LONG TIME TO ME! But I don't think I've said to anyone, "Man, can you believe we've been together for 3 years?" Or, "I can't believe I've almost known him for 4..." I also don't think I've found it unbelievable how long I've known D or E or S or K or G.
Some days do go by quickly, but lately I have been feeling every day's 24 hours in 60 minute increments. I have also been reading alot of fiction over the past 2 months, mostly from the perspective of a woman, so that could have something to do with it.
I see things differently than most people. Not in a creepy way, just a different one. I am still learning that there are a lot of things I don't know or understand about people, in general. So, I am sorry if I have behaved poorly around any one. I, also, am hopelessly introspective. It is no excuse, but it is a start.
I don't know if this is necessary to share, but it's the first time I've been down to the Mesa Starbucks, so I might be a little over-stimulated, what with the peppermint hot chocolate and all. And besides all that, there is a group of "moms" (I assume) having some sort of PTA meeting minus the T.

A's thoughts on $.

coming soon!

babys

I am reading a new book in the mornings, and it is quite interesting. My table manners have been altered for several years now, but for whatever reason it makes me think that my difference aren`t really that much to brag about. (They aren`t.) In a quest for the unusual and absurd, all I`ve recently found is that I want my branches to shade humans (&huwomans) that maybe aren`t so set on finding all the peculiarities of the world. Maybe they`re just on a quest to provide for their families or buy snow cones from a street vendor. I bet they know more than I do about the wonders of cramped quarters and dead rats and nursing uniforms. I bet.

greetings!

indeed, it is a rare day that i do not thank Jesus for you.

on eating old birthday cake.

"i know i`m not sposed to miss you guys like this: rubbing two stones together in my hands, between my fingers before throwing them out, out, out into the water of a made-up lake. and i know it`s only been a few hours since i`ve been standing here, toes on the shore`s lines; close enough, but not quite enough to feel the water`s quiet tongues gently lapping. but to just all sit around for a few years, living off of old birthday cake and lukewarm water, dying tulips &penciled-in cows..."

heavy boots.

they said he was in the air.
mom said she held his hands.
dad said he`s ready to go.
it takes about 3 days total, i think.

i say he knows more than we ever will.

soda water

You loved her better than he ever could,
resting my ear quietly on your boyish chest,
counting off the beats: (onetwo, onetwo)
of your well-tempered heart.

Pairing blades of grass:
(onetwo, onetwo,)
greens & yellows.
I am sorry for this.

For hurting you with
innocent onetwos, and lazy waltzes
over your papa`s hard-wooded floor,
tapping out the beat with
bare feet--
care full of toes,
nails,
bones...

One day we will walk back to
the same home together,
counting off our steps in
onetwos,
threesandfours.

&write our own lazy waltzes,
in the carpeted cozy of very own living rooms,
not so care full any more of

toes,

whales,

bones...

j &the whale

hold me close
closely
closer
&rub circles round my bones.

tilt my chin up
upley
upper
&kiss that weary mask.

cradle her head
softly
softer
&whisper hushed mysteries--
even the moon wanes weak.

of pigeons, people, &pretty, fine things.

the kindest hands that have ever touched my bones

Well, I have risen from ashes and been called clean
I`ve been sprinkled with the water that purified me
And I kissed my baby, slept in the morning; till time came to take her from me
And if I was honest with myself I just can`t forgive these witches and vampires and women that hurt me
Raising the question, it must be a decision; nail my bitter to the wall
'Cause it`s a new day and I want to be livin` a new day with You
'Cause it`s a new day, that I have been given; a new day with You.
Stronger men than me, they have retired, punched clean out of this life
And in way, I don`t blame them, they`ve seen more than I have
When their angels close their eyes
And it`s true what they say, she can only meet them, somewhere just past halfway.
And it`s there I`ll be waiting, by that old woodshed, You nailed my bitter to the wall
'Cause it`s a new day, and I want to be livin`; a new day with You
It`s a new name that I have been given, a new name by You
'Cause it`s a new day, and I want to be livin`; a new day with You
'Cause it`s a new day, that I have been given; a new day with You