On at Least Trying to Be

In the words of Hush Puppy: "I wanna be cohesive."

My painful realization of the day yesterday was this: I am obsessed with pursuing/being in a romantic relationship.

So...shit.  This self-awareness endeavor is no joke. 

Now what?

On (More) Loneliness

I have been having dreams lately.  And I wake up in fear and sadness and relief.  And I drive to work and think about "what it all means" and "why am I here" and "when do I get to start feeling better again?"  And my heart aches to be known and understood and conversed with in a way it hasn't in far too long.

So where do I keep these little hurts?  What do I do when my mind starts racing and I see my life as it always has been which is for the most part unknown and not in my control?  How do I live well amidst feelings that convince me that things aren't going 'well,' and who knows when they will be?

I am a creature of habit and schedules and routine.  I am still learning how to trust the process, to sit with myself, to be 'ok' with that particular self, to cry.  In short: I AM FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  And most days this honesty feels like a swift punch to the gut and I am left to wonder how I became so vulnerable to emotional assault (too dramatic?) again.

I do not have answers to most things, but what I do know is this: Good things take time.  If you feel out of control in the morning like me, take some breaths, stand in a quiet corner & tell yourself you'll be okay, pray?, wait a few hours, see how you feel in the afternoon or even the next day.  Be wary of acting on emotions without any thought behind them.  Be gracious with yourself if you're like me and inevitably do respond out of fear and impulse some times.  There is always room for both.

On Benefitting from Doubt

Remember that time I said I wanted to be taken advantage of? Scratch that. I definitely do not want that to happen.

I do still want to be kind and am trying to practice this skill daily. (Things tend to get easier the more you do them, good or bad...take that for what it's worth I suppose.)  I also realize that life for me is filled with far fewer wild adventures and many more quiet ones: interacting with humans, being outside, exploring.

Maybe re-learning how to be me is enough this year.  Maybe next year I get to re-learn how to be with others. Or maybe not.  Maybe I don't have holiday plans for the first time in my life and this is both terrifying and mildly okay.  Maybe being okay with the 'unknown' is an awkwardly small step in the direction of a much larger desire to be gracious in the art of letting go.

Whatever that means.

On Trusting the Process

We (I) seem to spend so much time fighting/thrashing around/holding things too tightly in my white-knuckling grip that I forget to relax/ease in/believe good. This amorphous concept of "letting go" seems to make so much sense, but trying to actually apply it perplexes me 'so much.'

My little sister sent me this Story People last night:
 

It's aptly titled "Simple Truths."

On Night Hikes and Why Being Alone in the Dark with Your Dog Isn't Always a Bad Idea

Because someone new
Because I am afraid
Because I am not in control
Because I am tired
Because the dark
Because I am nervous for the unknown
Because sometimes the things I desire are very far away
Because I am still hopeful
Because I am not easily charmed
Because I fall too quickly
Because she is one of my best friends
Because I still want to adopt
Because "I see that I'm a little piece in a big, big universe. And that makes things right."

Also, cohesion.

On Loneliness and Others

I am not certain the last time I prayed. Except for yesterday, walking around the reservoir, dusty and hot, when I decided to talk.
I am quick to forget that mostly a prayer is a conversation. Yesterday was fairly one-sided, but I was speaking of others, so maybe that makes it more appropriate?

I think of many people on a daily basis, but only recently started making a focused effort on championing for their cause in the hopes that they are able to live into their truest selves. (what?) Don't worry, I still think of and about myself very much, but it's a good change of pace for my (mostly) selfish heart.

And how often I forget that I am not the only one trying my hardest on this earth!

Here is truth: I am terrified of being out of control. As of late, certain events surrounding my life and the lives of others have been wild in not always good ways. I wish so fervently to have these loose ends tied, stories packaged and wrapped, ready for the "grand reveal." (Please note, I do not know what the "grand reveal" is, only that I feel some sort of pressure to makes sure that things are ready when I do find out what it is.)

Here's to hope, grace & creating a heart that beats for more than just yours truly.

On Being Quick to Judge but Possibly Changing That

I am a ragamuffin.  I say this with humility, conviction and a slight dose of sarcasm.  I am proud of this self-diagnosis, proud of being disheveled, a little smug about being "not quite right." I like to think that I can relate to people, because I am not better than or trying to make anyone that way, either.

However (isn't there always one of these?), I find myself observing others whether in person or the online realm and making very quick and most likely incorrect assumptions about them.  Why do I do this?  Perhaps it is because sometimes I'm not so proud of being "not quite right."  Maybe I'm just tired or lonely or intentionally salty.  Maybe I want to be just like them, but don't feel that it's in line with being "me" and this is confusing and upsetting and a bit weird to process.  But this doesn't mean that it's okay or something I'm particularly proud of.  I guess it's just something I'm acknowledging, putting out into the universe and in some way being held accountable for feeling feelings and making incorrect assumptions.

Of all the things I don't know, what I do know is this: if I'm given the option to be right or to be kind (and most of the time there are always options), I want to choose kind.  Even if it means I get duped, taken advantage of or hurt.  Even if it means that people see me as a sitting duck and treat me accordingly. I want you to always have the benefit of the doubt.  I don't want to assume things about the charismatic speaker, or well-dressed ad rep (what is that even?) simply because I don't know what else to think.  I don't want to make judgments based on fear or anger or hurt.  I want you to have a chance to stand on your own too, not having to prove anything and maybe start figuring out what to do with the truest version of yourself.  (That's actually a lot less fluffy than it sounds.)

I assure you I am trying to do the same.