Thursday, November 20, 2014

On (More) Loneliness

I have been having dreams lately.  And I wake up in fear and sadness and relief.  And I drive to work and think about "what it all means" and "why am I here" and "when do I get to start feeling better again?"  And my heart aches to be known and understood and conversed with in a way it hasn't in far too long.

So where do I keep these little hurts?  What do I do when my mind starts racing and I see my life as it always has been which is for the most part unknown and not in my control?  How do I live well amidst feelings that convince me that things aren't going 'well,' and who knows when they will be?

I am a creature of habit and schedules and routine.  I am still learning how to trust the process, to sit with myself, to be 'ok' with that particular self, to cry.  In short: I AM FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  And most days this honesty feels like a swift punch to the gut and I am left to wonder how I became so vulnerable to emotional assault (too dramatic?) again.

I do not have answers to most things, but what I do know is this: Good things take time.  If you feel out of control in the morning like me, take some breaths, stand in a quiet corner & tell yourself you'll be okay, pray?, wait a few hours, see how you feel in the afternoon or even the next day.  Be wary of acting on emotions without any thought behind them.  Be gracious with yourself if you're like me and inevitably do respond out of fear and impulse some times.  There is always room for both.