Wednesday, July 3, 2013

duck duck goose

So I know I don't really bring up personal things here, for fear that you may get the wrong idea. Things are good. Usually, things are always good. And if they're not good right now, they will be soon enough. That being said, if I am being totally honest with myself (and apparently right now I am), I must confess to you, dear readers, how difficult this 1st year of marriage has been for me. Upon review, 368 days later, for no apparent legitimate reason, I find myself questioning any newlywed couple that told me this decision would be "so easy." What did/do they know that I didn't/don't? Maybe I wasn't really "ready," maybe I had the wrong expectations, maybe I'm just not "marriage material." Maybe all of the above? The logistics of a wedding were overwhelming, but the reality of marriage was something I thought would come naturally to me, the oldest daughter of two still-married (happily?) Christian parents from a small, sleepy town on the Gulf coast. This is what G.R.I.T.S. are supposed to do, right? Not so easy, and in case you were wondering, it hasn't come as naturally as I assumed it would that balmy afternoon my sweet beau pulled out a box and asked me if I wanted to keep up this good thing we had going between us indefinitely. What I didn't realize, nor could I have anticipated the post-proposal pre-wedding haze, was the seriousness of my simple response. Yes to you and me. Yes to only us. Yes to disease. Yes to poverty. Yes to shortcomings. Yes to our humanness. There are days when I don't want to say yes to only us or sickness or budgets or imperfections. I replay August and the beach and the dogs in the sand...what if my yes had been a no, thank you? I would only be saying Yes to something else. To my dear friends and family who are married or planning to get married or unmarried, I salute you, applaud your courage and admire your pluck for the conscious/unconscious choice to enter into the daily Yes with another willing party who may or may not be just as terrified as I was.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


So this was today. You walked, she labored, we were taught. And in the middle of the I'm sorrys, the tears, the newness of everything that could possibly be new, we repeat. The taking, the leaving, the okays. The "good girl!"; and "it's a girl!" And the softest hopes of you: learning to love yourself.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

some pebbles

If I were to tell you something I'd say: +hold your tongue +be kind +make your bed +find out what you need +and then learn how to ask for it.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Scarred Knees

I am told that I have not been content with the things I have, or the places I am in--would this be life in general? As of late, I have caught myself saying, "once I have _______, ___________, & _______, THEN I will be happy and never want anything every again." Guess what happens when I get ____________, _______________, & ____________? Yeah, I think you get it. There are new things to fill in the old blanks every single time. I am ashamed to confess there is such a disconnect between the life I say I want to lead and the one that I actually do. Maybe I am not so different than those I love to hate. Those who have so much material wealth they don't seem to know what to do with themselves. And they DO appear to be very happy. Maybe they are? And maybe I am missing a lot of things. Like the fact that Jesus is here in a neighbor stopping to greet me, or my mom leaving a 2 minute voicemail, or Brian reminding me that I am more than my paycheck or having my shit figured out. So the Prius would be a perk and a new laptop would be lovely, but a gentle and kind spirit? I'm trying to fill in the blanks.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Drenching the Fleece, or I Need a Sign

“You shall love your crooked neighbour, with your crooked heart.” -W.H. Auden

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Keep Talking

So we got another dog. I'm pretty sure raising puppies is a gift, and if so then Christmas came early to the Hardgrave household. Also, on a side note, I asked Dragon to come over to her pee pads and told her to "go potty." SHE PEED ON THE PEE PAD ON COMMAND. WTF. I feel like I can do anything good! If you have not had this experience, you are in for a real treat. I suppose if you can housetrain a puppy, you can do pretty much do anything. Also, everyone is instantly your best friend. Drivers rubberneck and risk traffic collisions, cyclists back pedal and runners will jog in place to stop and greet your tiny friend. You don't think this happens where you live? Okay, you're right I've never been to the moon, so I might be making a generalization about the earth. I find it terribly intriguing the effects a 3 lb. mammal can have on the human race.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

streams: incessant mercy

So I have been thinking about updating for a while now, but every time I sit down to write, I find myself editing to the point of nothingness. (It's okay if that didn't make sense.) So, instead, I am going to be practicing a little technique called stream of consciousness. Don't worry, it will not be too deep to wade. (: I started working a full time job again in mid-January. I'm terribly grateful to have a job but not feeling any pride or loyalty to my position. So there's that. It is a comfort to receive a paycheck on a (somewhat) regular basis and know that I won't be petitioning relatives for money any more. I still haven't really made any new friends here, which is hard for a number of reasons. I love living in the city and being with Brian and Goose but I haven't felt that sense of "belonging" in quite some time. Brian and I watched a movie on Netflix last weekend called The Giant Mechanical Man. Jenna Fischer was one of the main characters and as far as Hollywood goes, one of the more realistic portrayals of a human being that I have seen. You could watch it if you have Netflix. Basically, she is a single 30-something woman living in NYC, going from temp job to "highly overqualified for the position" job, etc. And at one point in the film she says, "Why is it so important to everyone that I need to know what I want to do?! Isn't just being me enough?" In summary: I don't know what I want to do in life but I feel that "just being me" is not enough! What about your future, your family, having enough money to live, being fulfilled, working towards the greater good? What of it?! I suppose you could posture that I have too much time to think these days. Perhaps so. There are some days that my heart aches to be close to people that already know me, those easy friendships and relationships that have become just so because of the time and attention given. Maybe something very good is right around the bend! So I keep paddling, not quite as furiously, because eventually we always end up back on shore.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

on what can be said (again)

I have a place to go Monday through Friday from 8:30am-5pm. So...why do I feel exactly the same?