On Benefitting from Doubt

Remember that time I said I wanted to be taken advantage of? Scratch that. I definitely do not want that to happen.

I do still want to be kind and am trying to practice this skill daily. (Things tend to get easier the more you do them, good or bad...take that for what it's worth I suppose.)  I also realize that life for me is filled with far fewer wild adventures and many more quiet ones: interacting with humans, being outside, exploring.

Maybe re-learning how to be me is enough this year.  Maybe next year I get to re-learn how to be with others. Or maybe not.  Maybe I don't have holiday plans for the first time in my life and this is both terrifying and mildly okay.  Maybe being okay with the 'unknown' is an awkwardly small step in the direction of a much larger desire to be gracious in the art of letting go.

Whatever that means.

on sleeping hiccup attacks.

So there's a little creature in my life that sleeps on his back, dawdles in the bushes, and dreams long and hard. And I've never had a tiny heart rely on my own so much for everything. Oh, wait, I mean EVERYTHING. And this wasn't exactly how I had planned things: jobless, carless, moneyless...and yet, I can't complain when I think of all the little things. That I haven't been faithful in. All the big things that have yet to happen. And all the big things that already have in spite of myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just this: I'm still here. Things are happening. She is faithful, even when I am not. He cannot deny Himself.

And, proof:

On big time commitments.

There's no ring, but this is a pretty damn good start.

one lucky...

I have heard it said that "a dog is a man's best friend." I don't doubt the statement, but it does make me wonder about the mechanics of the human animal bond. Or maybe why the phrase isn't "a woman is a man's best friend." (I assume for some this is entirely the case, however, for the sake of argument...)
I have some reasons why this proverb may be so, particularly from a man's point of view:
-they are always happy to see you
-they're down for a ride in the car anywhere
-they always listen
-they never criticize you
-they don't care about how much money you make, or what you do, or fancy dinners
-they (for the most part) do what you ask them to
-they think you're the best thing since breakfast 3 hours ago (see point 1)

I'm not trying to anthropomorphize, or maybe I am, but I think we could learn a thing or two from those critters. Whether you're a man or a woman, I don't even care if you have a dog or not, maybe we could try to be more like them in all our various ships. I think we could have a lot more honest and hopeful interactions that way. Think about it.

on quiet confidence

I know people think I really like animals. And I do, for the most part. But it's not because I think they "get me" better than humans, even though I think they can be a lot more honest than we are. For instance, I have never met a skunk that liked me. Mostly, because I have never met a skunk in general, and I think that is an obvious way of realizing if any creature is interested in getting to know you. Several dogs (and even cats) have willingly greeted me and I think they were okay with just a pat or a good scratch behind the ears.
I took one of the shelters dogs out to the park the other day and she seemed to be honestly excited about it. And I know animals don't feel or think or act the same way we do, but I'll be damned if that dog wasn't terribly happy to be there. I'm sure it could have been with anyone, but it made me feel really good that she was rolling around in the grass and snapping her jaws and pawing the air like she did this every weekend.
And sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if we could express our joy as openly as they do. If it would be easier to love each other because we knew what we were getting ourselves into, and we knew that it would be a walk in the park.
I guess there's nothing really Biblical about that, but it is something to think about.

we haven`t just been told; we`ve been loved.

picture credit: b.d.h.

stream

droplets form on the freshly sliced cucumber`s edges, &i dip them in ranch because it`s my worldview, even though my sister is allergic to it &gets red rashes around her lips when the chicken nuggets are over-exuberantly dipped.
&i did see you walking on the sidewalk, looking smugly sheepish grasping that pink-striped bag in your left hand, most likely wandering home to its eager recipient, or maybe the gesture is not that sweet, but it is only a wednesday, and i like to think we save most of our sinnings for the week`s end.

okay,

i want [need] a dog.

(Akira Liwanag / European Pressphoto Agency)

we awoke early this morning, without any encouragement from the sun.
so you followed me around until i was ready to go:
[oh! but you don`t have to deal with the necessities of clothes and under wears and clean teeth!]
"let`s go! let`s go!" you urge.
all right. all right.
it`s the same walk we stride every morning, the same sidewalk you refuse to tread on, the same mailbox you p...well, you know.
&while i am lost, musing over the night`s peculiarities, you snuffle around in the brush, a single purple flower caught on your chin.
but i have grown fond of our quiet adventures, interrupted only by the sounds of morning showers, kiddie pool frollicks, &good intentioned neighbours.
&i am beginning to descry life in a way that no car driver, bicycle pedaler, running footer, or solitary walker ever could.

have mercy on us.

I wandered into a field two evenings ago and played fetch with a border collie and a frisbee. I saw the sky change colours, and even smelled some spring. [yesterday was the first day, you know] How great the Father`s love that He should come to me with the sparrows and a dog and a lonely bench now befriended.