All the Feels

I am here to say that I have been pleasantly surprised by the quiet unfolding of events over the past few weeks.  I feel lucky/blessed/etc/etc to be in this place, but the truth is I have put in a lot of work and made several fucking hard decisions to get here.  And, yes, I was not expecting this "so soon," but I can't deny that something is happening.

For now that is enough to keep me hopeful, to continue getting to know this peculiar person and to be okay with all the not knowings of something new and real and fragile.

It's not the worst place to be, I suppose.

On at Least Trying to Be

In the words of Hush Puppy: "I wanna be cohesive."

My painful realization of the day yesterday was this: I am obsessed with pursuing/being in a romantic relationship.

So...shit.  This self-awareness endeavor is no joke. 

Now what?

On Benefitting from Doubt

Remember that time I said I wanted to be taken advantage of? Scratch that. I definitely do not want that to happen.

I do still want to be kind and am trying to practice this skill daily. (Things tend to get easier the more you do them, good or bad...take that for what it's worth I suppose.)  I also realize that life for me is filled with far fewer wild adventures and many more quiet ones: interacting with humans, being outside, exploring.

Maybe re-learning how to be me is enough this year.  Maybe next year I get to re-learn how to be with others. Or maybe not.  Maybe I don't have holiday plans for the first time in my life and this is both terrifying and mildly okay.  Maybe being okay with the 'unknown' is an awkwardly small step in the direction of a much larger desire to be gracious in the art of letting go.

Whatever that means.

bean bags

A dear friend of mine told me this:
"Sometimes you take risks when God says you're ready, and other times He asks you to even when you're not."
Perhaps some of the best advice I've heard this year.

a's thoughts on valentine's day.

I am not cynical. Honest. I love Valentine's Day! I love love. I love the Format. Remember? All I`m saying is that maybe Valentine's Day isn't the best day to get engaged. But I can't rag on my little brother for it. Big sisters don't do that sort of stuff. I can't say that I'm not slightly jealous or nervous or excited, because I am. But no body needs to feel pressure for that. And even though the situation is maybe a little more than conversation hearts, red carnations, and tin-foiled chocolates, we don't forget that either. All I'm saying is if you`re going to start a family, you may want a little money in your pockets; and if you want to make that girl into your wife, then you had better make sure that antique ring won`t set you back too far. And if you're going to say yes to that boy (yes, that one), then please realize that he has the best of intentions, most likely yours at heart, but he is not a man. Not yet. Other than that, stay dry & don't let too many people tell you what will & won't happen. It already is.

Thoughts on $, coming soon.

the trouble with apologising

is this:
he was walking along-
side the road, kicking up
pebbles
with every step,
holding a bouquet
of home-
grown
redred roses
downward
to bring back
to his wife,
whom he has known for at least
30
years,
who wears a gold band on her left hand,
even when she scrubs soapy spoons.
Who, truthfully, have been very good to each other.
But,
honestly,
they`re getting a little tired of being so good.

"&I promise you I`ll never ever complain."

lest we forget...

Dear G,
Welcome home! We`re so glad you made it. Now, please get some rest.
Breakfast will be waiting in the morning.
Sincerely,
A

f,m,t,w,th,f

i think i have forgotten what it feels like to be little.
shoot.

land-locked blues.

&i'm balancing history books up on my head,
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase:
"if you love something, give it away."

on shutting doors &locking them.

i would like to tell you that all is well on the Western front:
what?! with all these warrings &massacres,
you`d think we`d be fine by now.

but i must admit it is harder than before to prematurely return joyously from my gulf-front home.
when i am not quite ready to please all those hungry troops.
when i am not quite ready to give in to the demands of my well-respected army.

&perhaps i will look back and remember that it wasn`t raining that day,
or that it was quiet last night,
or that my bed was very soft.

but perhaps not.
&i think mostly what i am learning is this:
i do not much care for the business-side of growing up.

Okay,

the bridge of my nose has a little scrape in it.
[but i don`t mind.]
&i wouldn`t have it any other way.
but it seems that my features, once unabashedly child-like and cool,
have grown warmer, older now, in the papery arms of the coastal suns.
as for today, i can`t think of any thing better than resting my cheek on mama`s tiled kitchen floor, &
maybe humming a little bit.
but, what was that you said? you don`t care about that?
you want to know what i had for lunch?
oh.

for those who love with too much grace:

I`m jealous of you, you know.
Of your ability to be so innocently honest
to explain to me in paradoxial terms
how difficult it is to be here today.
&oh, how I feel.
Believe me, I know it well.
If the rest of my life was to be spent in this way,
well,
then so be it.
But if I could free--If I could cultivate just one drop, watching it sprout &bloom--I fear I would become the richest child in that paltry kingdom!

Oh! to want one thing!
[Purity of heart]

8.

&the way He looks so tenderly at me through the glass of an imperfect soul!
oh! how my heart aches for the ventricles it has lost!

what child is this, sir?

"The wolf shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf &the lion &the fatling together, &a little child shall lead them." -Isaiah 11:6

poetic waxings

Thing I Liked About Today.
1. Children's laughter
2. Breakfast waffles
3. Good company
4. Warm massage tables
5. Musical worship
6. Old friends
7. New friends
8. Good books
9. Writing &penmanship
10. Leggings
11. Yawns

Fridays are good for loafing.

Lord, I know not what to ask of You.
You alone know what my true needs are.
You love me more than I myself know how to love.
Help me to see my real needs, which may be hidden from me.
I dare not ask for either a cross or a consolation.
I can only wait upon You; my heart is open to You.
Visit and help me in Your steadfast love.
Strike me and heal me; cast me down and raise me up.
I worship in silence Your holy will.
I offer myself to You as a living sacrifice.
I put all my trust in You.
I have no other desire than to fulfill your will.
Teach me to Pray. Pray Yourself in me.
Amen.
-Metropolitan of Philaret of Moscow

who, with quiet confidence,

I am a great cynic, & a great hoper.
I live slightly unrealistically.
I do not mind.

on being joyful&content.

I am a minimalist when it comes to running. [Please note, I said running, not writing.]
Not the actual running part, but just the "gear" that is brought along with me. Apart from my trusty sneakers, old teeshirts, &swishy shorts, I am a lean, mean...uhhh, well, you know the rest. Sometimes my wrist carries a watch, but as of late, it has not. Summer evenings are good for jogs with no deadlines, nothing to race home to, &only the slowly sinking skyline to remind you that dinner should be ready soon. &ever since I made the jump to no ipod, my runs have become more feather-finding, less oblivious to dirt packed under my soles. I scrawled a page in my journal one morning, after a particularly freeing frollick through the hills of Santa Barbara, &it was simply this:
running brings joy.
that`s it. because on that day, those few hours spent exploring&thinking&praying&singing&living, my heart beat not blood, but joy through my veins.
I have tried many a time to mimick that run, &all the things that came along with it, but of course, joy runs come when least expected. Today was a day like any other. I awoke &attended church &did other sunday things, &then, like those old Nike commercials, I "just did it." I laced up my grey nb`s with my special socks from dad, &I was off! [not streaking, mind you, I just didnot mention the rest of my clothing...] It was hot today, &I have a talent for sweating in even mid seventies weather. &I don`t mean the cute "glisten" type sweat; I mean soaking wet sweat. Now you know. On my way past the Presbyterian Church, I spied a feather, &I knew that it was a joy-run-sort-of-day.
&my heart has been indecisive, &unsettled &restless these "passing sunrises &sunsets," but today,
today was a day like no other.
Hallelujah, Jesus.