On Being Mean

I had a bad day yesterday.  Nothing was wrong, except I hated everything and took it out on someone I care very much about and traffic and to be honest, was legitimately lucky that I didn't get into a car accident. (Trust me, there was plenty of time for it to happen...)

I know that everyone has bad days now and then, for good reason or for none at all, but I am still sorry I haven't figured out how to manage all those things that inevitably start to snowball and end up exploding in an awkwardly guttural yell that leaves the back of my throat itchy and raw for days.

And I am still learning that people are good and true and reliable and all of the things that you don't realize you need until they're sitting in front of you being needed.

It's still hard for me to believe I'm deserving of all the "second chances" that inevitably make an appearance in this life, but maybe now I can slowly realize that I am.

on macaroni shells.

For the past two weeks or so, I have managed to bite the inside of my lip in the same place several times over. This causes a consistent discomfort and occasional frustration with my teeth for being so inconsiderate. It`s approximately 1:50 in the afternoon and I realised that my teeth haven`t bitten me today. The inside of my mouth seems to be healing quite nicely. I also realised that tonight the H family will be providing me with some sort of delicious meal. I`m just thinking how nice it will be to enjoy it.

on not having any immediate plans.

i have calculated the approximate time it
takes for me to accomplish each day's needs.
but to be quite honest with the world,
i haven`t thought much further than the edge of my nose.

&i have heard that it is okay to live like this:
wearing socks a little too big, taking steps small & just right,
hours of darkness and bright to think about tomorrows.
still, there is a hope on that ever-growing horizon.

we breathe in each morning, exhaling the night.
&oh, i have so much to learn!
but, take heart--with each half-eaten moon rise, each light we save:
there is plenty of time.

the trouble with apologising

is this:
he was walking along-
side the road, kicking up
pebbles
with every step,
holding a bouquet
of home-
grown
redred roses
downward
to bring back
to his wife,
whom he has known for at least
30
years,
who wears a gold band on her left hand,
even when she scrubs soapy spoons.
Who, truthfully, have been very good to each other.
But,
honestly,
they`re getting a little tired of being so good.

46477968

at one point the light in your
eyes
&the light in my
eyes
met, just for a few seconds,

bought me a taco,
tossed me in the grass,
rubbed my belly
&

hugged
me
to
sleep.

6.

some days i wish you had better hand writing.
&more ways to smile than those upturned corners of your (sometimes) chapped lips.
some days it is too hot to be out of doors,
so i turn off the lights when it becomes dark,
and lie on my bed as helpless as the day i met you, World.
some days i am sorry for the ways i have comforted You.
&wish that i could create a new soul for that mistreated clay.
i tried-wanted-did. honest!
some days i am too busy thinking about the future
to remember what it means to exist.
some days i don`t talk to You.
some days i don`t read Your letters.
some days.
oh! i am certainly sorry for that!

little paper people chains

bitterness was broken today.
&forgiveness flowed freely from my mouth &hands.
&it was all most as though I had met you for the first time, for good.
it wasn`t cordiality, even.
we were fractured humans.
at our finest, bleeding all over the place.

Fridays are good for loafing.

Lord, I know not what to ask of You.
You alone know what my true needs are.
You love me more than I myself know how to love.
Help me to see my real needs, which may be hidden from me.
I dare not ask for either a cross or a consolation.
I can only wait upon You; my heart is open to You.
Visit and help me in Your steadfast love.
Strike me and heal me; cast me down and raise me up.
I worship in silence Your holy will.
I offer myself to You as a living sacrifice.
I put all my trust in You.
I have no other desire than to fulfill your will.
Teach me to Pray. Pray Yourself in me.
Amen.
-Metropolitan of Philaret of Moscow

Critics, beware! Dare to stand up & shout, "hooray!"

Yes, sir, you have let me down.
&i do not understand the sincerity in your ambiguity of shadows & silhouetted promises.
Your words of charm vapourized like the steam above my mug of tea.
I find it fitting to confess that it was my fault in part:
&even though it has been thundering&lightning&raining, [all at once!?]
Look! The forgiveness that has drenched my bones,
Has dampened your feet too.


Happy Birthday, friend.