on sleeping hiccup attacks.

So there's a little creature in my life that sleeps on his back, dawdles in the bushes, and dreams long and hard. And I've never had a tiny heart rely on my own so much for everything. Oh, wait, I mean EVERYTHING. And this wasn't exactly how I had planned things: jobless, carless, moneyless...and yet, I can't complain when I think of all the little things. That I haven't been faithful in. All the big things that have yet to happen. And all the big things that already have in spite of myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just this: I'm still here. Things are happening. She is faithful, even when I am not. He cannot deny Himself.

And, proof:

On big time commitments.

There's no ring, but this is a pretty damn good start.

I never promised you a rose garden...or anything else for that matter.

Pardon my vulgarity, but being unemployed sucks. I have become painfully aware of how much of my self-worth comes from being able to live independently. That being said, I have already finished one book, spinned my legs off (they are still here), and slept 8 hours almost every night. It's not the best, but it's definitely not the worst. And even though Starbucks won't hire me, I'm hopeful that just means someone else will. Right?

on not having many plans

so you can have a day mostly focused on this.

hanging with friends

You would think by now that I would have had time to settle in, find a job, do some writing, ride my bike to town, and all these things. But, in truth, I have only spent 3 nights in my new room, and punched my last timecard on Friday. I didn't really know what to do with myself, so I missed some flights and finally ended up at home. Home is a nice place to be when you don't really know what to do, and, indeed, it is a luxury to travel on a whim (somewhat) and know that someone will be waiting to pick me up on the other side.
In other news, my brother, sister-in-law, and niece are also visiting, so it has been nice to see them for a few days, too. It also makes me never want to have children under the age of 5. (I hope you can understand.) I have been mulling over the idea of adoption for when I am older and financially stable, so there's that. It might also throw all my relatives for a loop which could be a nice change of pace for the Nelson Clan.

on leaving.

let's hope so.

streams.

It has been too long since I've had a chance to be reflective enough to write something of relevance here. It has been a long, loud, weekend. I feel older and am older, and lots of other things too. I am wondering about the validity of moving away from alot of things, people, places, etc. that I know and love to pursue one human. Is it worth it? (I like to think yes) The more people I talk to, the more people I tell that I'm moving, the more realistic my plan becomes. I don't want to be "that" girl that chases "that" boy. But I guess for lack of a better description, that's exactly who I am. It worries me somewhat, but not enough to do anything about it.
I like to think that a ring on my finger, and our own apartment with two bicycles in the hallway will finally be some sort of indicator that I have arrived. That the life I am living is worth it and valid and permanent. Some days the idea of carrying another life around inside me makes me sick to my stomach. But I wouldn't be here if someone didn't do the same for me. I really really really really like adoption. It might be hard to find someone who is on the same page as I am with that. But I hope I have/do/will find a partner in that, regardless. My mom asked me today if I knew what my dream job was. I had to say no. Maybe by now I should have said yes to that. How long does it take until I know? I wish I knew, I guess. For now there are too many things that I don't know. But I have learned to be content in them. I have learned that I am not the job I have, or the clubs I'm in, or the meals I prepare, or the stories I write. I am all of these things and none of these things, and it has taken a long time for me to honor this. I am light and truth and innocence and tenderheartedness and grace.