this week has been a bear.
i'm scared.
but my dad told me to take a leap of faith.
i like that idea.
and it was really inspirational to hear it coming from him.
my parents believe in me.
i feel that God is going to use me wherever i am.
but for this next year it will be there.
and this is how i choose to live, as if i'm jumping off a cliff; knowing that You'll save me; knowing that You'll save me.
i'm tired of being a lukewarm Christian. i want every part of my being to radiate Christ. i want His love to spread like fire, as it burns through me.
i am ready to fall.

Who was the guilty? Who has brought this upon Thee? Alas, my treason, Jesus, has undone Thee. I, Lord Jesus, I it was denied Thee; I crucified Thee.

please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough.

I remember going to sleep that night, and i realized something. Something that I think is important. I realized that throughout the course of the evening, I wasn't happy about you and her breaking up. Not at all.
I never once thought that it would mean you might start liking me. All I cared about was the fact that you got really hurt. And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love you. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.

i finished the book tonight.
and it was good.

"There is a feeling that I had Friday night after the homecoming game that I don't know if I will ever be able to describe except to say that it is warm. Sam and Patrick drove me to the party that night, and I sat in the middle of Sam's pickup truck. Sam loves her pickup truck because I think it reminds her of her dad. The feeling I had happened when Sam told Patrick to find a station on the radio. And he kept getting commercials. And commercials. And a really bad song about love that had the word "baby" in it. And then more commercials. And finally he found this really amazing song about this boy, and we all got quiet. Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel, Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something. "I feel infinite." And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I had just said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way. I have since bought the record, and would tell you what it was, but truthfully, it's not the same unless you're driving to your first real party, and you're sitting in the middle seat of a pickup with two nice people when it starts to rain."

you're the yellow bird that i've been waiting for.

i'd like to say that i appreciate those of you who still take your mom to the movies. or go shopping with her. or escort her to dinner. to those boys who still play catch with their little brothers or read stories to their sisters. who go fishing with their fathers or grandfathers. who take off their hats inside or at church. who take pictures with black and white film. and call them photographs. who still watch disney films, napoleon dynamite and write in journals. thank you, gentlemen, for you give me hope.

stop the moving and the painful rearranging

dear friend,
it seems as though i am 'withdrawing' myself from my friends. i don't understand why i would do such a thing. preparing for when i finally do have to go away? maybe. or perhaps i am just weird. i feel as though i should just be quiet and watch and listen, and not saying anything at all. and smile. just smile at everyone. i hope this doesn't make you think less of me. i'm still me; i haven't changed. maybe the difference is that everyone else has, or is in the process. and i'm not. maybe i've jumped on friendships with too much vivacity and scared you away. or maybe i tried too hard to impress you. i'm sorry if i did. i'm sorry for everything i've done that would drive you away. i love you all, truly i do. i think it'd be very nice to buy someone a star. incidentally, my books on vegetarian(ism) came in at the library.
with love,
arianna

dear friend,
last night i took a walk in the dark. the air was warm and smelled like good perfume and laundry detergent- you know, the kind your mom only buys when it is on sale because it is expensive but smells so good. it was like that. and i just thought. and today i was walking behind a middle-aged couple holding hands. and i wasn't sad. i was very happy for them. honest. and that's how it should be. i hope you don't think i'm weird for thinking this.